The MR 340, Day 3

The MR 340, Day 2

I'm terribly sorry about the wait. I'll get 3 and 4 up much quicker!

Apparently youtube hates my videos no matter how long they are. That's ok, I hate youtube even more than they hate me.

If you haven't already, watch Day 1 first.

If it's your first time here, you really should start at the beginning.

The MR 340, Day 1

Today I learned that YouTube has a 10 minute limit on videos. I guess you'll have to settle for the blogspot hosting instead. If it's terrible this way I'll break it into two parts and re-post it I guess.

The Montage II

Greetings Paddlephans!

Thanks for all of your support throughout this adventure. There are over 4 Gb of raw video I need to edit and many long winded stories to tell but these things are going to take time. Because I know you are all anxious, I have slapped together a slideshow of the still photos we snapped to tide you over. Enjoy and stay tuned!

Coming Soon: The MR 340 parts 1 - 4

DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN!!!

Success! Paddlephiles arrive at the finish line at 8:33 for a total race time of 83 hours and 3 minutes. We have a long drive home so no story right now.

We're already making plans to not do this next year.

I'm kidding. Of course we're doing it next year.

Victory!

And done... they finished with a time of 83 hours and 3 minutes.

7:25 pm text update

8 miles to go!

Text Update

from Bryan

4:00 pm River current is speeding up, helping to compensate for the headwind. Last checkpoint in klondike at 3:45, could finish anywhere from 8 to 9.

Day 4: Nearing the final stretch

The boys shipped out of our camp at Hermann at 8 this morning but have been paddling into strong headwinds all day. I'm expecting them for lunch in Washington between 2 and 2:30.

That's all I know right now, check back for our official finish time tonight!

Feel the MR 340 Love

A nice piece at the Pitch blog, reporting on the race, its origins and its positive economic impact on river towns. Patrick is his very own stimulus package!

Late Night Text Update

This came in from Bryan at 10:55 pm, so it pre-dates his post below. I post it for the colorful language.

10:55 pm Made dinner at 830. Should hit camp at hermann by 2. Only 68 miles for tomorrow. Paddlephiles got this bitch in the bag.

Night 3, Camp Paddlephiles, Hermann, MO

It's almost 1:00 am. I'm expecting the guys to make Hermann around 2:15 or so and camp is all set so I set out to look for an open gas station and hopefully a 24 hour store that has some athletic tape. I find neither. I do find and internet cafe called the Juntion. They're closed but the wi-fi is on so I guess I'll give you an update.

Jefferson City - 4:35 pm

Mokane (Dinner stop) 8:30 pm

I got to Mokane pretty early and started a nice fire down by the river and put the percolator and a can of stew on it. Turns out a guy with a fire and a 20 cup of percolator full of coffee can make a lot of friends as weary paddlers come and go. Mike and Patrick came and went pretty quick but I hung out for an extra hour and kept the fire going since I had 4 hours to get to Hermann. I warmed up about a half dozen stragglers and then left the fire in good hands and moved on. It's probably still going.

g'night!

Day 3: I am so over this

If anyone had ever told me it would take me 50 hours to get to Columbia I would have said 'well I'm not that interested in going then.' Now that I've spent 50 hours getting here though, I'm damn glad to be here.

For one thing, the fine folks at storage mart had given us a $50 Quick Trip gas card. We totally appreciate it, but I haven't seen a Quick Trip since Kansas City. Finally found one here and was able to gas up without dipping into the cash reserves. Also found a Waffle House and had the first real meal I've eaten since Monday. These camp meals are a bit carby for my tastes.

The guys just blew through the Cooper's Landing checkpoint and called in their lunch requests. Luckily, Columbia has ample supplies. I'm expecting to meet them at Marion Bottoms around 1:30 or 2 to feed them. Next stop, Jeff City.

In other news, our friends 'Yes, We Can!', could not. They packed it in at Glasgow citing 'logistics' problems. I think that means they realized they needed a ground crew. We're sorry to see them go and hope to see them back next year with some support. If we even come back. This is not easy.

More quick updates as I can either post them or get them to Laura. I promise I will do full bloggage and video editing this weekend after the race. There's just no time during it.

Made it through Lisbon in the daylight, barely.

Text updates from the road

from Bryan

10:14 am Boys made camp at 2, up at 8, put in for coopers landing at 9. Jeff is foraging for nuts and berries. The sand is maddening.

10:29 am Jeff has found a log he would like to keep.

Late Night Dedication

Long time listener, first time caller, this one goes out to the Paddlephiles.

(Damn BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT, and your "embed disabled by request." )

Not sure why, but Social Distortion seemed perfect under the circumstances.

Progress Report Wednesday evening

Late Update: estimated arrival at Franklin Island 11:15, camp at Taylor's Landing at 1:15am. They'll reach Jeff City tomorrow and, internet permitting, Bryan should be able to give an update live from the field.

Bryan called in at 6:45. Our heroes stopped at Dalton Bottoms for lunch at 2:50 and took a 40 minute break. They reached Glasgow at 5:40pm. They hit the Lisbon Bottoms right around 6:45, which is good since it's reportedly the toughest part of the river to negotiate and they'd obviously much rather do that during day light hours. Bryan was expecting them at Coors Landing by 7:45.

The plan is to stop for dinner at Franklin Island at 9:30, then aim for camp at Taylor's Landing by 12:30 am. Bryan sounded tired on the phone, so I can only hope that Patrick and Mike are in a stage of happy delirium on the river. They're making good time so far.

A Quick Day 2 update

The guys made it to the Waverly checkpoint around 9:50 last night with 40 minutes to spare before it closed. That relieved a lot of time pressure. The next checkpoint in Miami is open until noon today so they could paddle on to camp, get some sleep and coast in there with time to spare. Now they start banking hours.

They did another 22 miles before stopping to camp at Hill's Island, just past the quarter point of the race, our day one minimum requirement. Jeff and I were camped at Grand Pass, (my old nemesis) just 11 more miles away, but that would be another 2 hours minimum and the fog was starting to settle in.

They got a good 5 hours sleep and cruised the 11 miles to us. We pulled them in at 8:20 and gave them a hot breakfast of corned beef hash and some coffee and fruit and sent them on their way. I'll see them at Dalton Bottoms around 2:45 for lunch. Jeff headed out to take a shower with some truck drivers. Sounds like a redneck turkish spa to me, but I may have to give it a go before this is all over.

I'm going to do some grocery shopping and then head to Dalton Bottoms to hang their wet things out to dry and do the breakfast dishes. Camping is a lot like being at home except every basic task becomes a huge pain in the ass.

Here is some more wildlife.

I know you want video and stuff but you'll have to be patient. I might get a chance to do some editing today.

Psychic support for Mike and Patrick

Also known as, Bryan is hating giving me access to the blog and will probably delete this as soon as he sees it and revoke my privileges. :)

As noted in an earlier comment, the riverside entertainment at Berkeley park featured a one man band (keyboardist) in charge of playing inspirational music. This was one of those songs.

MR340 Progress Report

See 9:20pm updates below.

Bryan just called in. Our noble paddlers are maintaining their expected speed of about 6 mph. They made it to Cooley Lake at 1:50, where they were "fine" but hot. Bryan is waiting at the hot, noisy, crowded, cluster(bad word) checkpoint at Lexington (mile marker 316.5) with all the other ground crews. He estimates that Mike and Patrick will check in there by 6.

Jeff has traveled ahead to Grand Pass where he claims to have found a suitable site for camping and putting in.

After Lexington, the boys next check in is at mile marker 293.5 in Waverly. Bryan estimates they'll arrive there by 10:30, assuming a lessening pace. Bryan expects team paddlephiles to make camp at Grand Pass by 2:30am, but he's not real sure yet where Jeff has made camp so that's an even rougher estimate than the others. Grand Pass' mile marker is 272.

In brief, confirmed sightings:

Kaw Point (367.5) at 9:30am tuesday morning.
Cooley Lake (341.5) at 1:50 tuesday afternoon.
UPDATE: Lexington (316.5) at 6:00pm tuesday. (expected at Waverly by 10:10)

I'll update with more info as I receive it. Bryan will expand the trip report with video and pathos at a later date (Lexington McD's had no wifi). He's getting some great footage.

UPDATE: explanation regarding "7th from last." This earlier description was apparently misleading. Sorry. They were only 5-10 minutes behind the leaders and it had more to do with when and where they put in, not that they were falling behind due to some canoeing deficit. The only reason I mentioned it was out of latent guilt for the number of green canoes Julie and I pointed at saying "oh, that's them, right? woo hoo!", then realizing we were wooing at the wrong folks, before we finally saw them.

The view from Berkeley Park

Julie and I arrived on time (as it turned out, two hours early) at the designated viewing spot at Berkeley Riverfront Park. It was a long wait, but we had appropriate rain gear and a nice flat rock to sit on. It was also well worth it, because from the first sight of all the boats in the distance it was pretty cool. T-Mobile appears to be holding most of my pictures hostage, but here's a shot from the hobo habitat that we invaded to get closer to the river.

The boys were in 7th to last place and good spirits as they passed by.

The MR 340, Part One

Tuesday, 5:30 am: I want to go back to bed.

Thunder, Lightning and rain. Great. Looks like the Paddlephile luck is holding out. We get a good breakfast in us, (thanks Julie!) and roll out to Kaw Point to get the boat in line.

Tuesday, 6:15 am: Yep, that's a line alright.

Apparently everyone thought this would be a good time to show up. It's pouring, the wind is howling and there's lightning everywhere. The ramp, and every other square inch of ground is covered in canoes and kayaks of every variation. We're lucky to find a parking spot at all, it's gonna be a bit of a walk with the gear.

Tuesday, 7:00 am: I guess I could have gone back to bed after all.

Patrick checked in with Scott, the start is delayed for at least an hour. We're sitting in the truck flipping through AM radio stations and trying to stay dry. I'm sure the canoe will be full to the brim with water when we get back to it.

Tuesday, 8:00 am: Hurry up and wait

Things are looking better and people are starting to put in. With 272 boats and one ramp, the start time is now 9:30. The boys are in line and I'm scouting for a good place to watch the start.

Tuesday, 9:30 am: And they're off!

I found a great spot to watch the start. It also would have been a great spot to put in. No line. Seems like a handful of more experienced racers already knew about this spot. Oh well, next year that will be us.

Tuesday, 10:30 am: Taking advantage of city life while I still can

Turns out my ATT internet service gets me free wi-fi not only at Starbucks, but McDonald's too! w00t! First time McDonalds has been good for anything in my life. So here's a post for you. Laura will try to keep you up to date here while I'm out of range. Meanwhile, here are some photos from the start. See you soon!

Nice day.

The Queue

How many Paddlephiles can you spot in this picture?

Where they should have put in.

The biggest boat in the race

Where they shouldn't have put in, but did

...and the rocket's red glaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarre...

And we're off!!

Video of the start to come later! Laura is in charge until I get back!

The Meeting

It's amazing how 4 months of planning and preparation all comes down to a last minute scramble to get our shit together. No matter, we're as ready as we're going to get with 10 hours to spare. I hope my paddlers get some sleep but I know they probably won't.

Earlier this evening was the race check in and mandatory safety meeting. We didn't learn anything new. That's good, it means we're ready. I've got to be up at 5 so forgive me if I don't put my usual exhausting effort in to this post. The next one you see here will be actual race coverage.

I will do my best to update the blog throughout the race but you can probably get more up to the minute information on how the guys are doing here. Look for boat number 1123.

We'll see you on the river!

The MR4, Part Two

Did you read part one?

Is this your first time here?

Previously, on Paddlephiles
While on the island, Kate's insecurities threaten to get the better of her as she's hit with constant reminders of Carly. Sonny tries to reassure Kate that his relationship with Carly is in the past. Meanwhile, an angry Karpov kills his lawyer in front of Jerry. Karpov orders Jerry to take care of Matt after Jerry tells him Matt might have infiltrated the counterfeit drug ring.

Now, the conclusion of The MR4 on... Wet Is The Paddle

Saturday 7:00 am: Why did I think I would need an alarm?

I got up 30 minutes before the alarm and got some coals going and the coffee on. Except for a slow percolator breakfast goes off without a hitch. After breakfast and a cup or two of coffee, the guys start preparing to put in. Mike hops into the jeep to drive down the ramp so we can offload the canoe. Click, it doesn't start. Shit. You can't be serious.

Now what you need to understand about the Jeep is that it's lease is up in ONE WEEK. I swear that thing is programmed to fry the battery right before you bring it back so you pay for the new one instead of the dealer.

Saturday, 8:30 am: Were it not for the kindness of strangers...

Lucky for us, the local yocals are showing up to fish and they are very friendly and helpful. One of them has a portable charger in his truck and they slap it on the battery. No luck. Another fellow drives off to the local mechanic to see if he's available. After a brief review of the symptoms, it's decided it has to be the battery. We get a proper jump from a locals truck and leave it running for now. I'm advised there is a NAPA in Brunswick just a bit farther down the main drag. We try to slip them a ten spot for helping us out but they wouldn't hear of it. Instead they settle for a warm up out of our percolator.

Saturday, 9:07 am:
The boys put in and strike out for the Missouri, I'm pulling into the NAPA. Because I'm occaisionally clever, I refuse to turn the engine off until I verify that they have the correct battery. Of course they don't. I radio the guys, 'negative for battery at the NAPA, heading back to Marshall.'

Saturday, 10:00 am: Marshall, MO. YET AGAIN

I leave the Jeep running outside the O'Reilly while they see if they have the battery. They do. It's a special battery that costs $149. You've got to be kidding. I assume what's special about it is that it's programmable to fail on a specific date. I can see how that would be worth the extra hundred bucks. I'll have to interrupt the paddle and get Mike on the phone. He talks to the parts guy and explains that any battery that will keep it running for one more week will do. I doubt the guy has sufficient expertise to make a proper substitution. At least now I can turn it off so he can test it.

It tests fine. So does the alternator. Not only is it fine, it's 100% charged from the drive from Brunswick. I decide to gamble and not replace it. It would seem something was just left on overnight. I'll be sweating it every time I turn it off today, but at least I don't have to lay out $149 of my own cash to fix someone else's car.

The guys are just moving into the Missouri. It's 24 miles to Glasgow. We'll meet there for lunch, I'm guessing around 2.

Saturday, 11:15 am: Glasgow, MO, We Got Sand!

...but nothing else. It turns out the ferry ride across the river in Glasgow costs $8. There are no signs warning you of this until you are pulling onto it. Even if you could back out, you'd have to go an awfully long way back to find a bridge. I'm on the ferry, across the river and off again in 5 minutes. I can't help wondering how much of the cash this guy is pocketing. They don't seem to be keeping track of how many cars are crossing.

I need to find water and pick up lunch for the guys but there is no store to be found in Glasgow. I'll have to press on to Booneville and stock up, then return to meet the guys for lunch.

Saturday, Noon: My first stroke of luck.
After making a wrong turn and wasting 20 minutes and about 30 gallons of gas I luck my way into Fayette. It has a store. I grab a couple of lunch specials from the deli and 3 gallons of water and head back to Glasgow to wait.

Saturday, 2:00pm: Lunch

We aren't the only team running through here today. While waiting for the guys I met fellow Kansas City team Pappy and Son, nice folks and fast paddlers too. After the boys arrived, we also met Cynthia and David from 'Yes, We Can!' In both of these instances our reputations had preceded us and there was much ooooohing and aaaahhhhing over their brush with the famed Paddlephiles. Our road manager gave them some autographed 8 x 10 color glossy photos. We politely declined the request to sign their naughty bits and sat down to lunch.

Yes, We Can!, by the way, is running with no ground crew. I didn't get a lot of detail on how that is working out for them but I did notice they paddle with a bicycle in the canoe, presumeably to ride back upriver to get their vehicle. I'm going to be monitoring their progress during the race.

Saturday, 2:35 pm: Eye of the Tiger Baby

The guys are ready to put in for Franklin Island. Yes, We Can! is about 15 minutes ahead and we're waiting for the ferry to do its thing. This is the perfect opportunity to add a competitive element to the training. Find the other team, and crush them.

If for some reason you want to watch the entire 5 minute video of two guys waiting for a ferry, despite its complete lack of entertainment value, you can do so here.

I'm off to explore Booneville and find my own lunch.

Saturday, 3:15 pm: Lisbon Bottoms

On my way to Booneville I see a sign that says 'Lisbon' and I can't resist trying to find a way to get to Lisbon bottoms. I find a wildlife refuge along the river and damned if I didn't find a great spot to park and walk a bit to the bottoms. I wouldn't want to camp here or try to put a boat in or out, but it wouldn't be a bad place to meet the guys with water or whatever else they need.

Lisbon bottoms

Wildlife

Saturday, 4:00 pm: Booneville, MO

Mike had recommended I check out Snoddy's. It's the first thing I see as I get into town and I've got 4 hours to kill. You can buy 3 things at Snoddy's; groceries, hardware and firearms. Unfortunately the gun shop is closed at the moment. I don't need groceries or hardware so I move on to find a lunch spot.

I find a great one called Stein House. I highly recommend them to any other ground crews looking to take a break in Booneville. 421 Main St, it's hard to miss. I have a great lunch and 3 barley pops.

Tasty

Saturday, 8:00 pm: Franklin Island

Yes, We Can! and the Paddlephiles hit Franklin Island at about the same time. Thankfully, we're done. Cynthia and Dave wave goodbye and paddle on to Cooper's Landing. The guys did a great job picking up the pace on this last segment. I think we've got a chance.

Yada yada yada, we drive home. It's late and I'm tired of writing, here is some more video.

Coming soon: The MR 340 and anything else I have time to post.

The MR4, Part One

You ever have one of those days where everything just goes wrong? Of course you have, everyone has. We had two.

A Simple Plan
So the guys wanted to take a practice run in some day two waters. Specifically, they wanted to get through the construction and ferry crossing in Glasgow and then run the Lisbon bottoms. No problem. We'll find somewhere to camp Friday night and put in early Saturday morning and make a full day of it. I had been researching conservation areas on the MDC website and settled on Grand Pass for Friday night, (our planned night one camp for the race as well.) It has a boat ramp and camping, perfect. Saturday the guys will have a 77 mile paddle to Franklin Island, (Booneville) their longest single day yet. We've got some experience in these matters. What could possibly go wrong?

Friday, 5:30 pm: Apparently, everything can go wrong.
I'm headed to Mike's house to meet the guys and load up. Patrick calls and has hit a major snag. He has received a call from the lake patrol at Lotawana telling him his dock is damaged and his boat is thrashing around. He'll have to go deal with that, so we'll have to load up and pick him up in Lee's Summit. Guess we'll make camp in the dark.

Friday, 8:30 pm: Marshall, MO
We're almost to Grand Pass. With any luck we'll have 5 or 10 minutes of dusk light to make camp. Mike mentions we should go ahead and gas up just as we leave Marshall. There's still over a quarter tank and we're almost there. We decide to push on rather than turn around.

Friday, 9:00 pm: "This is farther than it looked on the map."
A fully loaded Jeep Grand Cherokee gets gas mileage equivalent to that of a fully armored school bus and is measured in gpm instead of mpg. There were no signs of civilization between Marshall and Grand Pass and there is barely enough gas to get back there. We are seriously concerned about running out, but we're here now so may as well make camp and let the guys shove off in the morning. I'll worry about getting stranded alone tomorrow.

There's just one problem. Well, actually there are 2 problems. First, while the MDC site was right about there being a boat ramp, it doesn't go into the river. In fact, it doesn't go into any water at all. It's a ramp into seasonal wetlands used by duck hunters. Right now it's bone dry. We probably could get to the river, but it would take some serious machete work. Second, there's really nowhere to camp. Most of these conservation areas have a somewhat mowed area for camping but this place is pretty overgrown. There are a few other gravel roads to explore, maybe we're just in the wrong spot. The only problem is we don't have the gas to go exploring. We'll have to go back to Marshall and gas up, then come back and try to find a better campsite and river access.

Friday, 9:30 pm: Marshall, MO, Again

Buying gas at Wal-Mart. How... rural. I'm just glad we made it. I've never been happy to see a Wal-Mart before, it's an odd feeling. We check with the girl working the counter about local camping. The only place she knows about is Lamine, wrong river.

Friday, 10:00 pm: Grand Pass, Again

Now that we have plenty of gas we can explore this place a little more thoroughly. Still nothing. Shit. That means Plan B is in effect. Plan B is where we camp in Brunswick on the Grand River, 3.4 miles upriver from the Missouri. The only real problem with this is that it shortens tomorrow's run to about 55 miles.

I have to take full responsibility for choosing Grand Pass. In my defense, the MDC website was fairly misleading. I did sort of wonder why nobody ever mentioned it in the River Miles forums. I should have assumed there was a reason instead of assuming I was clever and had found a secret campsite.

I am personally going to kick the ass of the moron in charge of this.

Friday, 10:30 pm: Marshall, MO, AGAIN

Nothing to report here except how irritating it is to be going through this town a 3rd time on our way to Brunswick.

Friday, 11:00 pm: Brunswick, MO

The Grand River access in Brunswick is pretty much in the middle of a neighborhood. We're practically setting up camp in someone's front yard. Their kids are rowdy, but helpful. Maybe a little too helpful. We stay up and ponder the maps a bit. The kids get called in for bed, thankfully.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Saturday, 1:00 am: Camp Paddlephiles

Mike and Patrick have turned in. I'm putting some things away. Now the kid's parents are getting rowdy and they aren't at all helpful. They're drunk and running around their front yard with flashlights a whoopin' and a hollerin'. From across the lot it's hard to tell if they are having a late night easter egg hunt or just playing a little grab-ass. It's about this time the trains start rolling through. We're camped about 50 feet from the tracks. It's going to be a long night. I'm going to bed.

To be continued...

The MR3, Part Two

If you missed it, start with The MR3, Part One.

If you have no idea what is going on, start at the beginning.

Previously, on Paddlephiles:

Still stricken with amnesia, Mickey stumbles upon a farmhouse in the country owned by a beautiful red head named Maggie who convinces him to seek medical treatment. Meanwhile, Lucky accuses Nikolas of only kissing Elizabeth in an immature effort to try to pay him back for going out with Rebecca.

Now, Part 2 of The MR3

Sunday, 9:30 am: Aren't You Guys Supposed to be Training?

Sweet hose dude.

4 hours of paddling followed by a 10 hour break. Sounds like the Paddlephiles alright. After a hearty eggs and sausage breakfast the boys shove off. We plan to meet in Lexington for lunch. From the looks of this campsite they'll beat me there. I've been trying to get the eggs off of the bottom of this pan for 20 minutes. I've decided the pan is disposable.

Sunday, 1:30 pm: Lexington
Disappointment strikes again. We were planning to grab lunch from Riley's. We should have realized an Irish Pub would be closed on Sunday in a town like this. I have McDonald's for Jeff, Mike and Patrick opt to eat sandwiches they brought. I don't blame them. When we checked in around Napolean they were running 6.6 mph so I expected them earlier. Their 1:30 arrival gives them an average of 6 mph again today. Jeff pulls his boat out to join me in the truck, Mike and Patrick shove off for Waverly.

I still haven't had lunch so Jeff and I head up to Richmond for margaritas in a rather half-hearted mexican restaurant some squatters had set up in an abandoned Hardee's. The wall is covered with pictures of locals in sombreros having birthday parties. Well, technically 'a' sombrero. I'm pretty sure they just have the one. I'm stunned at how many people celebrate their birthdays here. The saddest thing I have ever seen is now a teenage girl in a sombrero holding a cake that says "Sweet Sixteen". Stay strong kiddo, we're all rooting for you.

Sunday, 3:00 pm: Waverly

We make Waverly with a couple of hours to kill. May as well take in the sights. Or rather, the sight.

General Joseph 0. Shelby, it's not as Irish as it sounds.

Turns out Waverly is a confederate town. Now we're generally content to poke fun at ourselves instead of others so I'll spare you my vision of the committee that wrote, approved and engraved this gibberish on a sign. For a small number of words it sure does take a long time to parse. Go ahead, try it. We'll wait.

Wait. What?

Sunday, 3:02pm: Well, we've done all the touristy stuff.
Might as well head on down to Port of Waverly to wait for our ship to come in.

Your tax dollars at work.

Well looky what we got here. The United States Coast Guard, protecting the Port of Waverly from... umm... probably cigarette boats running drugs up from cuba I guess. Though I sure wouldn't want to float by here in an iron-clad full o' yanks neither. It's too bad they aren't guarding this overflowing trash can since it's stinking up the entire parking lot. I wish I could have been there to see these guys faces when they got their station assignments. Still, living on a 5 million dollar boat with a deck and a grill can't be all bad. I bet these guys have a girl in every port. Take a note ladies, if you want to drink margaritas and wear a sombrero on your birthday, this is probably the place to do it.

Now that I think about it, I'd like to see their wall of pictures.

Sunday, 5:30 pm: It's About Damn Time
The Gasconade was blocking my view from the ramp and I didn't see the guys until they were almost on me. It was a tricky landing as the ramp points down river so they had pass it and turn around and go upriver at it. They executed the landing flawlessly the first time, it was a work of art.

This is what delirium looks like.

So Lexington to Waverly was 23 miles in 4 hours, dropping the guys a bit below the 6mph pace they had been keeping. The longer day had a definite impact. I'm amazed at how every leg of this training run hit pretty much exactly 4 hours. We didn't really plan that but it sure makes the math easy. In the final tally, not counting the 10 hour nap, the guys paddled 73 miles in 12 hours, for an overall average of 6.08 mph. This will get them through the Lexington and Waverly checkpoints roughly 1 hour before the cutoff times. That makes me a little nervous considering the 10 hour break. I don't think they can hold that pace for 12 solid hours and an hour isn't much breathing room.

We'll have a better idea what pace to expect after this weekend's MR4. This time there will be a 6am wake up call and a 77 mile single day paddle. Still a little shy of the 90 mile days I want them doing in the race, but we're getting there. Stay tuned!

Canoes need naps too.

Coming Soon: The Maps 2, The MR4, The Montage 2

The MR3, Part One

Apparently there was an MR2 at some point but that mission, like most black ops, is lost to history forever.

Day one of the MR 340 requires hitting 2 checkpoints by 9 pm. The second of these is in Waverly, 73 river miles from the starting line at Kaw Point. This means the boys absolutely have to make it to Waverly on day one before they can even begin to think about making camp. So this weekend in true Paddlephiles fashion we set out to make it to Waverly in 2 days.

It's not that one day wasn't doable. We just like to sleep in and we dilly-dally a lot so the guys weren't oars down until 7:30 Saturday evening. I think this is good for them though. There had been a number of other teams out that day who had started much earlier. This gave the Paddlephiles a chance to get used to being reminded by every passing fisherman that they were way behind. "I hope it was a staggered start" was my favorite.

A perfect day.

Saturday, 7:30 pm: Putting In

It's my first outing as ground crew and already I'm learning things. The first thing I learned is that if you want to spend 30 minutes dawdling around with your canoe on the boat ramp before you put in, you better turn around and make sure there aren't 20 fishermen lined up at the top of the hill waiting for you to move your ass. Sorry guys, we're still learning, won't happen again.

Saturday, 8:00 pm: These Radios Suck
Everything Motorola says about these things is a lie. 25 Miles my ass. Out of sight pretty much means out of radio contact. The people at the Cracker Jacks company are going to get a very nasty letter about this. Luckily, cell signals are pretty good so far.

I didn't fully process how little time the 7:30 start leaves me to get to Cooley Lake and set up camp before dark. There is enough food on hand to get the boys through the night and shoved off in the morning so I'm abandoning efforts to find a store and heading directly to the campsite.

Saturday, 8:30 pm: Cooley Lake Access
The instructions on my new tent suggest setting the tent up prior to your first camping use so you know what the hell you're doing when the time comes. Unfortunately it never gave any indication on the box that I should read said instructions prior to my first camping use. It's too bad, because it's sound advice. For one thing, this tent calls for 2 people to set it up and I am alone in the wilderness. This should be fun, it's already dark in the spot I picked thanks to the stupid trees. Now where's that Deet?

Saturday, 9:30 pm: Camp Paddlephiles
I've somehow managed to get my tent up and even pitched Mike's little pup tent thing mostly by lantern light. I have a small flashlight that I tried holding in my mouth at times but flashlights attract a lot of bugs and bugs have no qualms about flying into your open mouth. We'll just put that away. I'll have to get a light I can position more easily for the race.

Just had a text exchange with the guys who are at La Benite park changing into warmer clothes. It's getting chilly and we're expecting a record low temp tonight. Patrick happily texts that they've run 8 mph. It saddens me to correct his math, they're running about 6.25. I hope that doesn't discourage them, it's a perfectly fine pace. They are off again and I calculate that they should make camp around 11:15.

I want to get a fire going but I ran out of daylight and can't find any good wood laying around. It's not that bad out so hopefully some lantern light and something out of the JetBoil will do well enough.

Saturday, 10:45 pm: Camping is Boring
Grabbing a beer and heading down to the ramp to attempt radio contact and guide the boys in. It has gotten colder than I expected and at last contact they were pretty desperate for fire. I underestimated the need for it and failed them. I'll have to attack the fire problem more aggressively in the future. It's already past the dew point and what wood I can find is now wet.

To make matters worse, the ramp is covered in creepy crawly little centipede things that seem to be migrating from the river to the stink lodge across the parking lot. Maybe they lay their eggs in there. If the light were better I'd start filming a nature documentary on them. Instead I just blindly squash them by the dozen as I make my way down to the water. Gross.

"Paddlephiles? You got your ears on? come back..."

These radios still suck.

Saturday, 11:30 pm: Land Ho

Looks like Batman really let himself go.

Important lesson: Mile markers are impossible to find and read at night. It must be disorienting out there not really knowing where you are. Luckily my calculations were reasonably close and I saw their bow lighting from a long way out. It just took a few flicks of my flashlight to guide them in. I imagine that will be a lot more difficult when there are a lot of other boats out there and everyone has the same lighting scheme. They averaged 6 mph over the last 4 hours, the dark slowed them down quite a bit.

They are cold and wet and Jeff immediately spots a deer trail and trots off into the woods and comes out with firewood. He has a fire going in about 10 minutes and then goes back into the woods and whittles us a coffee table. I begin to question my outdoorsmanship. Maybe I'm not fully qualified for this. Also I set up Mike's tent wrong, he takes it down and does it over.

Oh well, from now on I'm just going to get to camp earlier and sort this stuff out during the daylight. We eat, have a couple of beers and turn in.

Tommorrow, part 2

The Map

I may have gotten a little carried away. This is just to the first checkpoint.

It's a crying shame that in this day and age I still can't count on magic access to google maps out in Hillbilly Holler or wherever the hell it is we're going. (No, I'm not buying an iPhone, shut up.) I guess this is what they mean by 'roughing it.' Oh well, if Kinko's was good enough for Lewis and Clark it's good enough for the Paddlephiles.

I wanted a good sized printed map showing all the highways following the river so I wouldn't get lost between checkpoints. Easy, zoom in on the starting point enough to where I can see everything I need to see clearly, then print screen, paste into photoshop, scroll over a bit and repeat.

When I finished, a week had passed and I had a photoshop image roughly twice the size of my front yard. Apparently Kinko's doesn't have printers that size. ("Sir, your document is larger than our store.") So I had to break it down into manageable bits. What you see above is a map from the start of the race to the first checkpoint. So, map 1 of 8.

I knew it was going to be pretty big but I didn't really expect it to be THAT big. It will be next to impossible to wrangle that thing around in the truck and at $0.75/sqft it cost me $21 to print. Needless to say I'll be scaling the rest of them down a bit.

Bonus Chatlog

Mike: Good Lord, you're trying to map the river, not build a half-scale diorama.

Mike: looks like Bletchley Park war room circa '43

Bryan: we could get scale model canoes and push them around on it with sticks

Mike: how many damage points for hitting a wing dike?

Bryan: well, it depends on your armor class

Bryan: are we talking chainmail or leather or what?

Mike: assuming my canoe is a class4 paladin

Bryan: that has nothing to do with armor class you doof

Mike: kevlar

Mike: and i have nothing to do with d&d

Bryan: i don't think a kevlar canoe would float very well

Mike: Oh yeah, we demo'ed one. they go for around 3K

Bryan: Probably good to have in gator country

Mike: or brush creek

The Machine

The 16 foot Mad River Explorer. A suitable conveyance.

I know a canoe is not technically a machine but I have a theme going with the aliteration and 'canoe' lacks a certain machismo.

"Notice their logo on the bow. It's a pipe-smoking rabbit. It makes perfect sense if you think about it. Like think about it when you're really high. I would have gone with a kite-flying giraffe myself. I put our names on the outside of our seats in case we forget where we sit or who we are." - Mike

I don't know man, I think that Rabbit is playing tenor sax. Also I'm still pushing for either flame or lightning decals. It is a well known fact that things go faster if they have flame or lightning decals on them.

Canoedling

There are two things you need to know about the Paddlephiles. They don't take no guff and they don't run stock. This is a race not a float trip and that means serious custom mods to to this rig. You wouldn't enter the family sedan in the Indy 500 without adding a cup holder would you?

At first I thought he forgot what shape the Jager bottle is...

...but I guess he is just gonna put the Jager in the water bottle.

Mike has more faith in velcro than I do.

Also, sudden stop = flashlight to the balls.

Every man needs a throne.

The Montage

Every adventure story needs a sports training montage. If it's good enough for Rocky Balboa it's good enough for the Paddlephiles.

It should be noted that Patrick, like all budding directors, had his vision hacked to bits by the studio. Blame the internet legal department. We'll be sure to include the deleted scenes in the DVD release.

The Mission, The Men and The Mighty Mo'

The Mission:

The Missouri River 340, "...the world's longest non-stop river race." 340 miles from Kansas City to St. Charles, by canoe, in 88 hours. I'm not big on research but I can only assume this race claims dozens of lives each year as entire canoes and their crews are swallowed whole by the raging 3 mph rapids and smaller paddlers are jerked right out of their boats and carried off by man eating mosquitos the size of pteradactyls. There are probably pirates too.

The race begins August 4th, 8 a.m. at Kaw Point, where the Kansas and Missouri rivers converge in the west bottoms. Hell we'll probably be stabbed to death by hobos before the starting gun fires. If any of us survive, it will all end on the 7th in St. Charles. Stay tuned, I'll be live blogging the team's progress whenever I can find an internet connection in this God forsaken wasteland.

The Men:

The Paddlephiles, (clockwise from left front:)
Jeff, Mike, Bryan, Patrick.

What drives a man to do something like this? What makes a 40 something marshmallow of a man think he can paddle a canoe 340 miles in the most brutally hot week of the summer? As it turns out, the answer to both of these questions is Jagermeister.

4 months or so ago when Mike and Patrick told me they were planning to enter this race I said, "You're drunk." And they were. Unfortunately by the time they sobered up and realized how dumb the idea was they had already entered the damn thing and spent hundreds of dollars on gear. It was too late to back out.

The training would be difficult. They would get out on the water every weekend for all day endurance paddling, train individually throughout the rest of the week and lay off the booze for 6 weeks prior to the race. Then it was a month. But really that isn't good since there is a Killer Cars show on Friday and that will involve some drinking and Saturday is a dumb day to stop drinking so let's call it Sunday. Starting Sunday July 12th they'll lay off the booze.

Looking back at it now, I think they did go out paddling 2 or 3 times. And Mike did come and pick up the rowing machine I offered him. He hasn't used it, but he picked it up and that's the important thing. Really the bulk of the training regimen has been 12 oz curls.

Planning session 2. We made a good plan I think

but we don't remember what it was.

Jeff is taking a more 'seat of his pants' approach to things. He has been waffling between working on the support team and actually entering the race as a solo. I suspect the call of the wild will prove irresistable and he will eventually choose the latter. Jeff is more accustomed to physical exertion and shouldn't really have any trouble keeping up with the tandem efforts of Mike and Patrick.

As the support driver, I face the most difficult challenge of all. It will take me the better part of an hour to drive to the next checkpoint and I will only have 12 hours or so to get there. Once there I will have to acquire literally quarts of water and make nearly half a dozen sandwiches.

Why is this the toughest job? Because I. HATE. OUTSIDE. I seriously can't stand it. I don't even like looking out the window. The idea of sitting by a river all day in August in a cloud of insects makes me physically ill. I'll probably spend most of the day driving up and down the highway just for the air conditioning. What do I care? It's Jeff's truck and they are all paying for the gas.

Oh, and the blogging. The constant soul crushing blogging. I wonder if Booneville has a Starbucks...