Paddlephiles Q&A

So is this still a thing or what?
YES! I know you're all hungry and not getting enough bloggage in your diets. Fear not! The Paddlephiles ARE still a thing and peak Paddlephile season is nigh upon us.

Why doesn't anything get posted on this blog ever?
Well you see I'm a busy man and paddling is somewhat seasonal. Generally this blog is reserved for major stories or developments. However, we do post shorter updates a lot more frequently on our facebook page, which you should 'like' if you want more up to the minute Paddlephile news.

Are The Paddlephiles going to be in the 340 this year?
Does a wild bear steal pic-a-nic baskets and maul campers in the woods? Of course! The seventh annual Missouri American Water MR 340 will be held July 31 - August 3rd, 2012.

What is this peculiar growth on the back of my neck?
We'll have to biopsy that to be certain but from the look of it I'd say some sort of interface for an alien probe. Are you prone to blackouts or memory gaps? Or it could just be a mole or something. I don't know I'm not a doctor or scientist or anything.

Umm.... ok. Is there anything else I should know?
Lots! We got a new boat that I'll be telling you about soon. Tomorrow we'll be in the 62 mile Freedom Race  to help us gear up for the 340. I'll be reporting on that soon as well.

That's all for now. Get on that facebooky thing and stay tuned here for more.

Paddle on!

We Made It Home Alive

It's going to take me a bit to write up our tale. I just wanted to let everyone know that we managed to not die out there. Believe me that was quite an accomplishment.

More to come!

Race Day!

Just a quick note to let everyone know we'll be heading for Manhattan, KS in about 30 minutes to get this show on the road. This race will be uncharted territory for us but we're hoping our experience will carry us through. There are some serious concerns, particularly the heat. 100 degrees today, 101 tomorrow. I don't know about the heat index and I don't think I want to.

There is also a bit of a dark cloud today as last week a fellow paddler lost his life training for this race. This was not related to the heat as far as we know. It seems he tried to take the dam in Topeka by boat and didn't make it. Our hearts go out to his family and I know everyone in the race will be thinking about him.

The race starts this evening so with any luck we'll avoid the worst of the heat until tomorrow. I'll update as I can. For now, I gotta run.

Ever have one of those years where nothing goes right?

Welcome back Paddlephans!

If you follow this blog you know the MR 340 should be right around the corner. If you follow the news, you know there's no way that could happen. For those who's only source of news is this blog, I'll elaborate.

The Missouri River is a complete mess. It's flooded from the Dakotas to the Mississippi. Something about snow melt and rain and every reservoir from Nebraska to the North Pole dumping water into it. So, long story short, no 340 this year.

It would be easy to feel bad for our little race community that we don't get to be a part of this amazing event this year, and we hope everything is back to normal for next year, but that isn't what's important right now. This flooding is hurting a lot of communities, farmers and wildlife a lot more than it's hurting us. Our hearts go out to them and we are hopeful that things return to normal for them a lot sooner than next year.

So now what?

Lucky for us, the fantastic people at River Miles have very quickly organized a new race so we still have something to do on vacation. It's not like I was going to tell my boss the MR 340 got cancelled so I'm available to work next week.

The Kawnivore!

94 miles on the Kaw, from Manhattan to Lawrence KS. I know what you're thinking. "That sounds easy." It's not. The Missouri River is deep, wide and fast. You can do 3 miles an hour on it without even paddling. The Kaw is none of these things. It is shallow, braided with sandbars and so slow as to be practically stagnant. There are portages where the guys will have to get out and carry the boat across the highway. Every mile on this river must be fought for and earned.

We're still scrambling with last minute planning so I don't have a lot of detail for you right now. It looks like Patrick has misplaced his testicles and may not be paddling. I'm not sure who, if anyone, will replace him. I know it won't be me, as I too have misplaced my testicles.

The race starts next Friday, July 22nd, so keep your browser glued to this page and your eyes glued to your monitor over the next week and a half as we embark on another wacky Paddlephiles adventure!

The MR 340 2010, Part 2

Day One

Aside from the part where I had to get up at 5:00 am I have to say the start of this year's MR 340 was very smooth. So smooth as to be uneventful in fact. The weather was perfect, the ramp wasn't crowded, we hadn't forgotten anything. We checked the radios while they were paddling around waiting for the start. At 8:00 am there was the singing of the national anthem, a countdown and a cannon shot and there they all went. I drove away feeling like this was going to be a relatively easy race. I later heard that as many as 5 boats had flipped during the start but saw nothing of the sort.

Before they make it to the first checkpoint, I get a text. Mike has dropped the radio into the river. Twice. The second time was fatal. That's going to be a problem when we get out in the boonies where the phones don't work. We're going to need a plan B.

2:16 pm. The boys don't even stop at the Lexington checkpoint. I sign them in as they cruise past, 3rd in the team division and only 1 minute behind the second place boat. Things are running like clockwork.

In Waverly, I get a great parking spot right near the ramp and set up to feed the guys. Julie and Stacy, who left Kansas City a little later in the day, catch up there just minutes before the guys pull in at 5:19 pm. Everybody eats and we chat a bit about the night one plan. To meet our goals of shaving 24 hours off of last year's time and placing in the top 3 we absolutely have to make it to Miami tonight and Glasgow would be better. While we are talking it over we lose a spot as the fourth place boat does not stop at Waverly. Patrick is starting to favor his right wrist a bit. It's been causing him problems since a training run months earlier and may need surgery. He's opted to put that off and go ahead with the race. We load the wrist up with tape and Patrick up with Ibuprofen and kick them back into boat. At 5:53 they're heading to Miami. That stop was a little too long but overall things are going very well.

Thankfully I have the girls to help me pack up now so there's a lot less rushing around. We get to Miami and set up for another meal and stake out a camp site that we may or may not need. I get a text, Patrick's wrist is getting bad. Bad enough he's thinking of pulling out at Miami. If that happens, Mike and Jeff can go on, but are officially disqualified. It seems very clear to all of us on the ground that they need to stop here in Miami and sleep on it. We try to get a decision from the boat so we can set up camp before they get there. They are determined to press on to Glasgow against our better judgement.

Waiting in Miami

When they arrive at 10:15 Patrick's forearm is so swolllen Popeye would give it a double take. Again we suggest they stay, but still in fourth place, they opt to press on. More tape, more ibuprofen and at 11:03 they leave for Glasgow. I tell them we'll be sleeping and to call when they get close so I can get up and go bring them in.

We're going to need more tape.

What I had forgotten from last year is that cellular technology has yet to reach Glasgow Missouri. Too bad their radio is at the bottom of the river. There isn't much we can do other than make camp and pass out. Hopefully they will find the checkpoint and their tents.

4:24 am. They manage to find us and make just enough noise for Stacy to wake up. She gets up and helps get them settled in. She is even sweet enough not to wake Julie and I. Finally, it's lights out on day one.

Day Two

Julie and I are up at 7:30. We let Stacy sleep in since she took the night shift. We get some coals started so we can get breakfast going. I run to the nearby Casey's for 4 cups of coffee and a bottle of Ibuprofen. There is nowhere to buy athletic tape around here.

The guys are up by 8:15 having slept maybe 3 1/2 hours. Patrick's right arm looks like a watermelon. Yes it's green. I don't know how much longer he can hold out. They have a nice hot breakfast and take some more food to go. More tape, and this time we send the Ibuprofen bottle with Mike. At 8:50 they put in for Katfish Katy's, still in fourth place.

We take our time breaking camp. We won't need to be at Katfishs Katy's until mid afternoon. Around noon we touch base with the boys, they're going to need more ibuprofen. Mike dropped the bottle in the river.

Katfish Katy's is a long hot wait. It's a nice place, but there isn't a square inch of shade anywhere. Nothing to do but sit and bake.

Decisions decisions

3:40 pm. The guys finally make it in a bit later than expected. They are slowing down due to Patrick's arm, which is now black and starting to smell, and have slid back to 5th place. Quite a bit of dead flesh and a couple of fingers come off with the old tape. We re-wrap it and give him a handful of ibuprofen. Stacy and Julie give the boys a lunch to go and I confiscate everything of Mike's that isn't tied down. The fourth place boat is still sitting on the ramp so we shove them back in with only a 15 minute break to reclaim 4th and head on to Jefferson City.

At this point in the story, I should clarify something. It wasn't so clear during the race what place we were in. As I write this up now, I have the benefit of the official race results. At the time, we thought we may well be battling for 3rd instead of 4th as we had lost track of one of the teams and thought they may be behind us. In reality, as the boys left Katfish Katy's with the 5th place boat still on the ramp, they were 2 hours and 7 minutes behind the third place boat. That is not an amount of time you realistically make up in a race like this. Especially when one of your paddler's has a mild case of zombieism. As I said, however, we didn't know that. So we still felt quite a sense of urgency about staying ahead of that one boat we could see.

Living in Kansas City, I often lose site of just how rural Missouri can be. After two days of backwoods boat ramps the Jefferson City checkpoint is quite an oasis of civilization. It's like pulling up to the Wilshire in Beverly Hills.

We pulled up to the valet station and handed over the keys to both cars. Half a dozen bellhops pull our gear out and start hauling it over toward the beach. I slip the Maitre d' a twenty and ask him to put us some place shady.

While the bellhops are setting up our gear, I take a stroll down to the ramp to check out the tiki bar. The girls opt for the massage tent.

Julie and Stacy embracing the luxury

By the time we meet back up, the live music is starting and the sun is setting and you can tell that it's going to be one fantastic party. We have to get the guys to stop here for camp instead of pressing on to Hermann. We camped in Hermann last year and it's right next to the world's busiest, (and loudest) train tracks. We wouldn't sleep a wink there.

So the texting begins. We plead with them to camp here instead of Hermann. Logically, sleeping four hours now and paddling six hours later puts you ultimately at the same place at the same time as paddling six more hours now and sleeping four hours later. If anything, a little rest before that paddling will put you farther. More importantly, good sleep has to be better than bad railroad sleep, right? While this may sound like a no brainer, you try explaining it to boat full of dazed paddlers. Their brains get overheated out there and logic is lost on them. All they can do is fixate on simple concepts like MUST PADDLE ON. So we'll just give them dinner here and get them back in the water.

It's 9:09 pm when they arrive. Now the only thing left of Patrick's right forearm is about 8 inches of bone protruding from the elbow. The wrist and hand are completely gone and I'm pretty sure there is usually another bone in the forearm. We no longer have any choice. We'll have to tape a paddle to it.

"What do you mean we're out of tape?" We're going to need a plan... uhh, what plan are we up to now? Plan L or something.

Luckily, Jeff's backpack has a workbench, generator and several power tools in it. Luckier than that, Patrick is too out of it to know what's going on. I grab a belt sander and flatten two sides of the protruding bone to give it as much of a paddle shape as possible. Stacy makes a last plea for them to stay and sleep a bit but they aren't having it. They eat quickly and pull out for Hermann. It looks like Patrick's arm bone paddle is too narrow to be of any real use but it's SUPER funny to watch. Maybe that will at least help keep Mike and Jeff going.

Julie gives a quick nod to the Maitre d' and with a snap of his fingers camp is packed and the valets are pulling up. Tonight, we sleep with the trains.

Driving from Jefferson City to Hermann at night is a lot like riding Space Mountain at the end of a long day at Disney World when you were a kid. You're in the dark being violently tossed around by hills and curves. You can't see a thing and you're so exhausted you can hardly keep your eyes open. Terror is the only thing keeping you awake. The only thing separating this drive from Space Mountain is that it lasts an hour and I manage not to throw up.

About halfway there we hit the fog. We're lucky, it isn't really on the road. It's creeping up from the river and the guys are heading straight into it. We need to warn them but, of course, no signal. By the time we get to Hermann and our phones are working they are already well aware. We make a quick camp and get some sleep.

Out on the river the guys have hit the serious fog. The kind of movie fog that no one leaves alive. They can't see the water or the ends of their paddles and the screams are getting louder, drawing near. They are going so slow now that it's pointless to continue. This time would be better spent sleeping, plus Mike has to poop. It's time to pull off. How they managed to find a suitable mud bank in that soup we'll never know, but they did. Mike was able to trundle up a few feet and do his business and Patrick started doodling bunnies in the mud with his arm bone paddle while Jeff felt around on his hands and knees for firewood. It was 2:30 in the morning when my phone rang.

"We're socked in halfway to Hermann and had to pull off."

Well, we told you to camp at Jeff city. I get up and head down to the ramp to see if I can get any information about the fog. As it turns out, there isn't really a lot of information about fog to get. It's fog. A couple of boats had been by and reported that yes, there is fog. Helpful. I call Mike back and tell him there really isn't anything I can do for him other than send a safety boat but that will likely result in a disqualification. They're going to have to deal with it and sleep where they are. I'm going back to bed.

It's getting cold and wet out there on the mud bank. Luckily, the boys had packed emergency blankets, rain ponchos and fire starters for just such an occaision. Unluckily, they didn't think they'd need them and left them all in the truck. It's no small miracle that Mike and Jeff get a fire going by rubbing a stick and Patrick's arm bone paddle together.

In these conditions a campfire will draw paddlers as easily as moths and soon they are joined by a tandem and a single. I'm omitting their names here because on that cold night in the fog there was a lot of man-spooning for warmth. The kind of snuggling that most men never dare speak of again.

Then, as everyone else is fading into fitful sleep, Jeff notices an awful smell right next to his head.

"Damnit Mike!"

"Sorrrrry"

Day Three

They say every cloud has a silver lining and this fog, being essentially a cloud, is no different. Aside from the one brief interruption, it allowed the ground crew a full night's sleep. We were so tired the trains didn't wake us.

The boys leave their muddy home at daybreak but the fog is slow to yield. It's 9:47 when they finally make the ramp at Hermann. Here we have hot breakfasts and hose showers for all. Mike and Patrick catch another hour of sleep while Jeff paces impatiently. At 11:45 the boys put in for Klondike, the last checkpoint before the finish. We're now bringing up the rear in the team division, but not by much.

The boat ramp at Klondike turns out to be under 10 feet of mud. It's barely suitable as a checkpoint at all. There are few spots to land a boat and the only way to service the crew is going to involve trudging up and down a slippery mud mountain. I don't want them to stop here. After a few texts it's clear that they want very much to stop, so now the tables are turned. I don't blame them, it's a very long stretch from Hermann to Klondike and if you're out of water you're out of water. It's too bad though because the 4th place boat is just sitting here and if they had the juice to skip this stop they could pick up a spot. At least that's what I thought before I realized how much they were slowing down. They didn't make it in until 6:17, 12 minutes after the 4th place boat departed. Dinner, water. We'll see you at the finish line.

In St Charles, Jeff's wife Sarah has checked in to the hotel and there are showers waiting for us. Wonderful showers. We get cleaned up and have a real dinner at the local brew pub.

Ha, those poor bastards are still out there paddling.

Sheri arrives to surprise Patrick at the finish. As the boys draw closer we load up a cooler with beer and Jager and head down to the finish line to greet them.

Left to Right; Sheri, Sarah, Julie and Stacy

In their continuing efforts to foil good finish line video by finishing in the dark, they cruise in at 10:35. We're already half drunk. They catch up with us quickly.

Ok, I may have embellished a bit about the arm.

So how did we do? Well, we didn't place. The Paddlephiles came in 5th out of 5 teams, 44 minutes out of fourth place and 3 hours 24 minutes from placing in the top 3. We also didn't' quite take a full 24 hours off of last year's time of 83 hours 3 minutes. We got pretty close though, finishing in 62 hours 35 minutes. That's still 20 hours and 28 minutes faster than last year. It's a bittersweet realization that had we met the goal to cut 24 hours, we would have placed 3rd by 6 minutes.

Now of course we've recovered from the whole ordeal and Patrick is adjusting nicely to his new robot hand. I can only assume we'll be back next year in one form or another. I'm not sure what the rules say about robot hands.

Stay tuned for a whole bunch of photos and even a few movies as the Paddlephiles adventure continues.

The MR 340 2010 Part One

What constitutes a successful MR 340 is unique to each team. In fact, it is often unique to different paddlers on the same team.

Last year, being our first, the measure for Paddlephiles success was simply to finish the race in the allotted 88 hours. This is a proper goal for any first time entrants in this race and when Mike and Patrick finally beached the water pig Jim at the finish line after 83 hours and 3 minutes, 2 hours after the awards ceremony and 4 hours after the complimentary dinner, none of us were disappointed. It was a total success.

That, however, was last year. To repeat that finish in our second run would be a total failure. We needed new goals.

So let's see if we can shave a full 24 hours off of that time. How do we make that happen?

If you said train harder, you're absolutely right! You're also absolutely NOT a Paddlephile. If anything, we trained a lot less. We needed simpler solutions.

Paddlephiles 2.0

The Paddlers

Spoiler alert.

This year we've got 3 paddlers instead of 2, with Jeff opting to ride to St. Charles in the boat instead of the truck. This decision was simply based on Jeff's desire to paddle, but it had some interesting consequences. This year's race started 79 tandem teams. Many of them are very experienced, very fast and very hard-core paddlers. Placing in the top 3 in the tandem division was never so much as a passing fancy. No Paddlephile dared even whisper the possibility.

Having that third paddler put us in the team division, which started only 5 boats. When you only have to beat 2 boats to place, you can't help but think about it. When you start thinking about it, you can't help but obsess over it. So now there is a secondary goal. Let the name Paddlephiles ring out loud and clear at that ceremony! Let us hear the approving groans of exhausted paddlers and the muffled fapping of hands too blistered and sore for real applause!

Los Humungos Blisteros

The Boat

How about putting coasters under those beers fellas?

The biggest lesson learned from our first run is that the boat makes all the difference in the world. Jim was no racer. It was a lot like paddling a downed oak tree up Niagra Falls. So the boys all pitched in and ordered a 3 man kayak. It was like Christmas morning when the box arrived with the boys all standing out in front of the house with their PFDs on ready for a test paddle. Boy were we surprised when all that was in the box was a bunch of strips of wood and a few buckets of smelly goop. That's totally not how the boat looked in the picture on the internet. Apparently there is some assembly required. I say apparently because all the instructions were in Swahili and the drawings were crudely chiseled on flat stones. Frankly there was no way to be sure this was even our package.

Knowing only enough Swahili between us to ask which way to the diamond mines, we were just going to have to figure it out. And by 'we' I mean 'they' as my delicate typing fingers are far too valuable to risk any contact with tools or labor. And by figure it out I mean lounge around the Paddlephiles Skunkworks drinking beer and sniffing epoxy for 3 months.

Many attempts were made to arrange the pieces into something boat shaped. We later realized that you get the same box of random wood pieces no matter what kit you order and they just put in different instructions.

They say that a million monkeys with a million typerwriters would eventually write Shakespeare and the same must be true of Paddlephiles and inhalants because eventually, Morning Wood was born.

The Crew

What boat?

It was a lot of work last year for Jeff and I to support 2 paddlers. Now I've got 3 paddlers and no Jeff. I'm going to need help! Luckily, Mike's fabulous wife Julie and my lovely girlfriend Stacy volunteered to come along and provide some much needed assistance and even a few good ideas.

Last year I'd swear I spent nearly half my time washing dishes. This was completely insane and unneccesary and I swore not to do it again. Still, every paddler likes a home cooked meal on a chilly night. This year, Stacy introduced us to the 'bierock'. It's like a homemade hot pocket sandwich. The great thing about them is that you can fill them with anything. A traditional bierock is made with a ground beef and cabbage mixture, but we also made them in pizza, ham and cheese and bbq varieties. She cooked them up the weekend before the race and we wrapped them in foil and froze them. Now all we have to do is bring them along in a cooler and throw them on any heat source for a quick hot home-cooked meal. This inspired further foilage as we added breakfast burritos to the menu along with ready to grill potatoes and corn. We had enough hot meals for 3 days without doing a single dish. We also went through enough aluminum foil to open a hattery in Roswell.

And so the stage was set for race day. The Paddlephiles had good goals and a solid plan to achieve them. We were prepared for any eventuality. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Coming Soon, The MR 340 2010 Part Deux: Everything Goes Horribly Wrong

Best Shower Ever

Still working on that sponsorship deal.

I'm committed to writing up the full tale for you Paddlephans this weekend but for now I suppose I should at least let you know that the boys finished at 10:35 Thursday night for an official time of 62 hours 35 minutes. Good enough for 5th place* in the team division. This is nearly 24 hours faster than last year. Congratulations Paddlephiles!

Stay tuned for the full story!

*Out of 5 teams