Paddlephiles

We Made It Home Alive

2011-07-24T11:37:00.001-05:00

It's going to take me a bit to write up our tale. I just wanted to let everyone know that we managed to not die out there. Believe me that was quite an accomplishment.

More to come!

Race Day!

2011-07-22T08:29:00.002-05:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know we'll be heading for Manhattan, KS in about 30 minutes to get this show on the road. This race will be uncharted territory for us but we're hoping our experience will carry us through. There are some serious concerns, particularly the heat. 100 degrees today, 101 tomorrow. I don't know about the heat index and I don't think I want to.

There is also a bit of a dark cloud today as last week a fellow paddler lost his life training for this race. This was not related to the heat as far as we know. It seems he tried to take the dam in Topeka by boat and didn't make it. Our hearts go out to his family and I know everyone in the race will be thinking about him.

The race starts this evening so with any luck we'll avoid the worst of the heat until tomorrow. I'll update as I can. For now, I gotta run.

Ever have one of those years where nothing goes right?

2011-07-14T15:59:00.004-05:00

Welcome back Paddlephans!

If you follow this blog you know the MR 340 should be right around the corner. If you follow the news, you know there's no way that could happen. For those who's only source of news is this blog, I'll elaborate.

The Missouri River is a complete mess. It's flooded from the Dakotas to the Mississippi. Something about snow melt and rain and every reservoir from Nebraska to the North Pole dumping water into it. So, long story short, no 340 this year.

It would be easy to feel bad for our little race community that we don't get to be a part of this amazing event this year, and we hope everything is back to normal for next year, but that isn't what's important right now. This flooding is hurting a lot of communities, farmers and wildlife a lot more than it's hurting us. Our hearts go out to them and we are hopeful that things return to normal for them a lot sooner than next year.

So now what?

Lucky for us, the fantastic people at River Miles have very quickly organized a new race so we still have something to do on vacation. It's not like I was going to tell my boss the MR 340 got cancelled so I'm available to work next week.

The Kawnivore!

94 miles on the Kaw, from Manhattan to Lawrence KS. I know what you're thinking. "That sounds easy." It's not. The Missouri River is deep, wide and fast. You can do 3 miles an hour on it without even paddling. The Kaw is none of these things. It is shallow, braided with sandbars and so slow as to be practically stagnant. There are portages where the guys will have to get out and carry the boat across the highway. Every mile on this river must be fought for and earned.

We're still scrambling with last minute planning so I don't have a lot of detail for you right now. It looks like Patrick has misplaced his testicles and may not be paddling. I'm not sure who, if anyone, will replace him. I know it won't be me, as I too have misplaced my testicles.

The race starts next Friday, July 22nd, so keep your browser glued to this page and your eyes glued to your monitor over the next week and a half as we embark on another wacky Paddlephiles adventure!

The MR 340 2010, Part 2

2010-09-29T21:13:00.002-05:00

Day One

Aside from the part where I had to get up at 5:00 am I have to say the start of this year's MR 340 was very smooth. So smooth as to be uneventful in fact. The weather was perfect, the ramp wasn't crowded, we hadn't forgotten anything. We checked the radios while they were paddling around waiting for the start. At 8:00 am there was the singing of the national anthem, a countdown and a cannon shot and there they all went. I drove away feeling like this was going to be a relatively easy race. I later heard that as many as 5 boats had flipped during the start but saw nothing of the sort.

Before they make it to the first checkpoint, I get a text. Mike has dropped the radio into the river. Twice. The second time was fatal. That's going to be a problem when we get out in the boonies where the phones don't work. We're going to need a plan B.

2:16 pm. The boys don't even stop at the Lexington checkpoint. I sign them in as they cruise past, 3rd in the team division and only 1 minute behind the second place boat. Things are running like clockwork.

In Waverly, I get a great parking spot right near the ramp and set up to feed the guys. Julie and Stacy, who left Kansas City a little later in the day, catch up there just minutes before the guys pull in at 5:19 pm. Everybody eats and we chat a bit about the night one plan. To meet our goals of shaving 24 hours off of last year's time and placing in the top 3 we absolutely have to make it to Miami tonight and Glasgow would be better. While we are talking it over we lose a spot as the fourth place boat does not stop at Waverly. Patrick is starting to favor his right wrist a bit. It's been causing him problems since a training run months earlier and may need surgery. He's opted to put that off and go ahead with the race. We load the wrist up with tape and Patrick up with Ibuprofen and kick them back into boat. At 5:53 they're heading to Miami. That stop was a little too long but overall things are going very well.

Thankfully I have the girls to help me pack up now so there's a lot less rushing around. We get to Miami and set up for another meal and stake out a camp site that we may or may not need. I get a text, Patrick's wrist is getting bad. Bad enough he's thinking of pulling out at Miami. If that happens, Mike and Jeff can go on, but are officially disqualified. It seems very clear to all of us on the ground that they need to stop here in Miami and sleep on it. We try to get a decision from the boat so we can set up camp before they get there. They are determined to press on to Glasgow against our better judgement.

Waiting in Miami

When they arrive at 10:15 Patrick's forearm is so swolllen Popeye would give it a double take. Again we suggest they stay, but still in fourth place, they opt to press on. More tape, more ibuprofen and at 11:03 they leave for Glasgow. I tell them we'll be sleeping and to call when they get close so I can get up and go bring them in.

We're going to need more tape.

What I had forgotten from last year is that cellular technology has yet to reach Glasgow Missouri. Too bad their radio is at the bottom of the river. There isn't much we can do other than make camp and pass out. Hopefully they will find the checkpoint and their tents.

4:24 am. They manage to find us and make just enough noise for Stacy to wake up. She gets up and helps get them settled in. She is even sweet enough not to wake Julie and I. Finally, it's lights out on day one.

Day Two

Julie and I are up at 7:30. We let Stacy sleep in since she took the night shift. We get some coals started so we can get breakfast going. I run to the nearby Casey's for 4 cups of coffee and a bottle of Ibuprofen. There is nowhere to buy athletic tape around here.

The guys are up by 8:15 having slept maybe 3 1/2 hours. Patrick's right arm looks like a watermelon. Yes it's green. I don't know how much longer he can hold out. They have a nice hot breakfast and take some more food to go. More tape, and this time we send the Ibuprofen bottle with Mike. At 8:50 they put in for Katfish Katy's, still in fourth place.

We take our time breaking camp. We won't need to be at Katfishs Katy's until mid afternoon. Around noon we touch base with the boys, they're going to need more ibuprofen. Mike dropped the bottle in the river.

Katfish Katy's is a long hot wait. It's a nice place, but there isn't a square inch of shade anywhere. Nothing to do but sit and bake.

Decisions decisions

3:40 pm. The guys finally make it in a bit later than expected. They are slowing down due to Patrick's arm, which is now black and starting to smell, and have slid back to 5th place. Quite a bit of dead flesh and a couple of fingers come off with the old tape. We re-wrap it and give him a handful of ibuprofen. Stacy and Julie give the boys a lunch to go and I confiscate everything of Mike's that isn't tied down. The fourth place boat is still sitting on the ramp so we shove them back in with only a 15 minute break to reclaim 4th and head on to Jefferson City.

At this point in the story, I should clarify something. It wasn't so clear during the race what place we were in. As I write this up now, I have the benefit of the official race results. At the time, we thought we may well be battling for 3rd instead of 4th as we had lost track of one of the teams and thought they may be behind us. In reality, as the boys left Katfish Katy's with the 5th place boat still on the ramp, they were 2 hours and 7 minutes behind the third place boat. That is not an amount of time you realistically make up in a race like this. Especially when one of your paddler's has a mild case of zombieism. As I said, however, we didn't know that. So we still felt quite a sense of urgency about staying ahead of that one boat we could see.

Living in Kansas City, I often lose site of just how rural Missouri can be. After two days of backwoods boat ramps the Jefferson City checkpoint is quite an oasis of civilization. It's like pulling up to the Wilshire in Beverly Hills.

We pulled up to the valet station and handed over the keys to both cars. Half a dozen bellhops pull our gear out and start hauling it over toward the beach. I slip the Maitre d' a twenty and ask him to put us some place shady.

While the bellhops are setting up our gear, I take a stroll down to the ramp to check out the tiki bar. The girls opt for the massage tent.

Julie and Stacy embracing the luxury

By the time we meet back up, the live music is starting and the sun is setting and you can tell that it's going to be one fantastic party. We have to get the guys to stop here for camp instead of pressing on to Hermann. We camped in Hermann last year and it's right next to the world's busiest, (and loudest) train tracks. We wouldn't sleep a wink there.

So the texting begins. We plead with them to camp here instead of Hermann. Logically, sleeping four hours now and paddling six hours later puts you ultimately at the same place at the same time as paddling six more hours now and sleeping four hours later. If anything, a little rest before that paddling will put you farther. More importantly, good sleep has to be better than bad railroad sleep, right? While this may sound like a no brainer, you try explaining it to boat full of dazed paddlers. Their brains get overheated out there and logic is lost on them. All they can do is fixate on simple concepts like MUST PADDLE ON. So we'll just give them dinner here and get them back in the water.

It's 9:09 pm when they arrive. Now the only thing left of Patrick's right forearm is about 8 inches of bone protruding from the elbow. The wrist and hand are completely gone and I'm pretty sure there is usually another bone in the forearm. We no longer have any choice. We'll have to tape a paddle to it.

"What do you mean we're out of tape?" We're going to need a plan... uhh, what plan are we up to now? Plan L or something.

Luckily, Jeff's backpack has a workbench, generator and several power tools in it. Luckier than that, Patrick is too out of it to know what's going on. I grab a belt sander and flatten two sides of the protruding bone to give it as much of a paddle shape as possible. Stacy makes a last plea for them to stay and sleep a bit but they aren't having it. They eat quickly and pull out for Hermann. It looks like Patrick's arm bone paddle is too narrow to be of any real use but it's SUPER funny to watch. Maybe that will at least help keep Mike and Jeff going.

Julie gives a quick nod to the Maitre d' and with a snap of his fingers camp is packed and the valets are pulling up. Tonight, we sleep with the trains.

Driving from Jefferson City to Hermann at night is a lot like riding Space Mountain at the end of a long day at Disney World when you were a kid. You're in the dark being violently tossed around by hills and curves. You can't see a thing and you're so exhausted you can hardly keep your eyes open. Terror is the only thing keeping you awake. The only thing separating this drive from Space Mountain is that it lasts an hour and I manage not to throw up.

About halfway there we hit the fog. We're lucky, it isn't really on the road. It's creeping up from the river and the guys are heading straight into it. We need to warn them but, of course, no signal. By the time we get to Hermann and our phones are working they are already well aware. We make a quick camp and get some sleep.

Out on the river the guys have hit the serious fog. The kind of movie fog that no one leaves alive. They can't see the water or the ends of their paddles and the screams are getting louder, drawing near. They are going so slow now that it's pointless to continue. This time would be better spent sleeping, plus Mike has to poop. It's time to pull off. How they managed to find a suitable mud bank in that soup we'll never know, but they did. Mike was able to trundle up a few feet and do his business and Patrick started doodling bunnies in the mud with his arm bone paddle while Jeff felt around on his hands and knees for firewood. It was 2:30 in the morning when my phone rang.

"We're socked in halfway to Hermann and had to pull off."

Well, we told you to camp at Jeff city. I get up and head down to the ramp to see if I can get any information about the fog. As it turns out, there isn't really a lot of information about fog to get. It's fog. A couple of boats had been by and reported that yes, there is fog. Helpful. I call Mike back and tell him there really isn't anything I can do for him other than send a safety boat but that will likely result in a disqualification. They're going to have to deal with it and sleep where they are. I'm going back to bed.

It's getting cold and wet out there on the mud bank. Luckily, the boys had packed emergency blankets, rain ponchos and fire starters for just such an occaision. Unluckily, they didn't think they'd need them and left them all in the truck. It's no small miracle that Mike and Jeff get a fire going by rubbing a stick and Patrick's arm bone paddle together.

In these conditions a campfire will draw paddlers as easily as moths and soon they are joined by a tandem and a single. I'm omitting their names here because on that cold night in the fog there was a lot of man-spooning for warmth. The kind of snuggling that most men never dare speak of again.

Then, as everyone else is fading into fitful sleep, Jeff notices an awful smell right next to his head.

"Damnit Mike!"

"Sorrrrry"

Day Three

They say every cloud has a silver lining and this fog, being essentially a cloud, is no different. Aside from the one brief interruption, it allowed the ground crew a full night's sleep. We were so tired the trains didn't wake us.

The boys leave their muddy home at daybreak but the fog is slow to yield. It's 9:47 when they finally make the ramp at Hermann. Here we have hot breakfasts and hose showers for all. Mike and Patrick catch another hour of sleep while Jeff paces impatiently. At 11:45 the boys put in for Klondike, the last checkpoint before the finish. We're now bringing up the rear in the team division, but not by much.

The boat ramp at Klondike turns out to be under 10 feet of mud. It's barely suitable as a checkpoint at all. There are few spots to land a boat and the only way to service the crew is going to involve trudging up and down a slippery mud mountain. I don't want them to stop here. After a few texts it's clear that they want very much to stop, so now the tables are turned. I don't blame them, it's a very long stretch from Hermann to Klondike and if you're out of water you're out of water. It's too bad though because the 4th place boat is just sitting here and if they had the juice to skip this stop they could pick up a spot. At least that's what I thought before I realized how much they were slowing down. They didn't make it in until 6:17, 12 minutes after the 4th place boat departed. Dinner, water. We'll see you at the finish line.

In St Charles, Jeff's wife Sarah has checked in to the hotel and there are showers waiting for us. Wonderful showers. We get cleaned up and have a real dinner at the local brew pub.

Ha, those poor bastards are still out there paddling.

Sheri arrives to surprise Patrick at the finish. As the boys draw closer we load up a cooler with beer and Jager and head down to the finish line to greet them.

Left to Right; Sheri, Sarah, Julie and Stacy

In their continuing efforts to foil good finish line video by finishing in the dark, they cruise in at 10:35. We're already half drunk. They catch up with us quickly.

Ok, I may have embellished a bit about the arm.

So how did we do? Well, we didn't place. The Paddlephiles came in 5th out of 5 teams, 44 minutes out of fourth place and 3 hours 24 minutes from placing in the top 3. We also didn't' quite take a full 24 hours off of last year's time of 83 hours 3 minutes. We got pretty close though, finishing in 62 hours 35 minutes. That's still 20 hours and 28 minutes faster than last year. It's a bittersweet realization that had we met the goal to cut 24 hours, we would have placed 3rd by 6 minutes.

Now of course we've recovered from the whole ordeal and Patrick is adjusting nicely to his new robot hand. I can only assume we'll be back next year in one form or another. I'm not sure what the rules say about robot hands.

Stay tuned for a whole bunch of photos and even a few movies as the Paddlephiles adventure continues.

The MR 340 2010 Part One

2010-09-02T14:42:00.005-05:00

What constitutes a successful MR 340 is unique to each team. In fact, it is often unique to different paddlers on the same team.

Last year, being our first, the measure for Paddlephiles success was simply to finish the race in the allotted 88 hours. This is a proper goal for any first time entrants in this race and when Mike and Patrick finally beached the water pig Jim at the finish line after 83 hours and 3 minutes, 2 hours after the awards ceremony and 4 hours after the complimentary dinner, none of us were disappointed. It was a total success.

That, however, was last year. To repeat that finish in our second run would be a total failure. We needed new goals.

So let's see if we can shave a full 24 hours off of that time. How do we make that happen?

If you said train harder, you're absolutely right! You're also absolutely NOT a Paddlephile. If anything, we trained a lot less. We needed simpler solutions.

Paddlephiles 2.0

The Paddlers

Spoiler alert.

This year we've got 3 paddlers instead of 2, with Jeff opting to ride to St. Charles in the boat instead of the truck. This decision was simply based on Jeff's desire to paddle, but it had some interesting consequences. This year's race started 79 tandem teams. Many of them are very experienced, very fast and very hard-core paddlers. Placing in the top 3 in the tandem division was never so much as a passing fancy. No Paddlephile dared even whisper the possibility.

Having that third paddler put us in the team division, which started only 5 boats. When you only have to beat 2 boats to place, you can't help but think about it. When you start thinking about it, you can't help but obsess over it. So now there is a secondary goal. Let the name Paddlephiles ring out loud and clear at that ceremony! Let us hear the approving groans of exhausted paddlers and the muffled fapping of hands too blistered and sore for real applause!

Los Humungos Blisteros

The Boat

How about putting coasters under those beers fellas?

The biggest lesson learned from our first run is that the boat makes all the difference in the world. Jim was no racer. It was a lot like paddling a downed oak tree up Niagra Falls. So the boys all pitched in and ordered a 3 man kayak. It was like Christmas morning when the box arrived with the boys all standing out in front of the house with their PFDs on ready for a test paddle. Boy were we surprised when all that was in the box was a bunch of strips of wood and a few buckets of smelly goop. That's totally not how the boat looked in the picture on the internet. Apparently there is some assembly required. I say apparently because all the instructions were in Swahili and the drawings were crudely chiseled on flat stones. Frankly there was no way to be sure this was even our package.

Knowing only enough Swahili between us to ask which way to the diamond mines, we were just going to have to figure it out. And by 'we' I mean 'they' as my delicate typing fingers are far too valuable to risk any contact with tools or labor. And by figure it out I mean lounge around the Paddlephiles Skunkworks drinking beer and sniffing epoxy for 3 months.

Many attempts were made to arrange the pieces into something boat shaped. We later realized that you get the same box of random wood pieces no matter what kit you order and they just put in different instructions.

They say that a million monkeys with a million typerwriters would eventually write Shakespeare and the same must be true of Paddlephiles and inhalants because eventually, Morning Wood was born.

The Crew

What boat?

It was a lot of work last year for Jeff and I to support 2 paddlers. Now I've got 3 paddlers and no Jeff. I'm going to need help! Luckily, Mike's fabulous wife Julie and my lovely girlfriend Stacy volunteered to come along and provide some much needed assistance and even a few good ideas.

Last year I'd swear I spent nearly half my time washing dishes. This was completely insane and unneccesary and I swore not to do it again. Still, every paddler likes a home cooked meal on a chilly night. This year, Stacy introduced us to the 'bierock'. It's like a homemade hot pocket sandwich. The great thing about them is that you can fill them with anything. A traditional bierock is made with a ground beef and cabbage mixture, but we also made them in pizza, ham and cheese and bbq varieties. She cooked them up the weekend before the race and we wrapped them in foil and froze them. Now all we have to do is bring them along in a cooler and throw them on any heat source for a quick hot home-cooked meal. This inspired further foilage as we added breakfast burritos to the menu along with ready to grill potatoes and corn. We had enough hot meals for 3 days without doing a single dish. We also went through enough aluminum foil to open a hattery in Roswell.

And so the stage was set for race day. The Paddlephiles had good goals and a solid plan to achieve them. We were prepared for any eventuality. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Coming Soon, The MR 340 2010 Part Deux: Everything Goes Horribly Wrong

Best Shower Ever

2010-08-27T21:45:00.005-05:00

Still working on that sponsorship deal.

I'm committed to writing up the full tale for you Paddlephans this weekend but for now I suppose I should at least let you know that the boys finished at 10:35 Thursday night for an official time of 62 hours 35 minutes. Good enough for 5th place* in the team division. This is nearly 24 hours faster than last year. Congratulations Paddlephiles!

Stay tuned for the full story!

*Out of 5 teams

Current Status: Not Dead

2010-08-26T13:29:00.002-05:00

...but close.

Only have a minute and I know you've been dying for an update. Day one went pretty well with the Paddlephiles making it to Miami for a brief sleep. For those of you keeping score, that's checkpoint 3.

Night two, we set camp in Hermann. This is exciting as it was last year's night 3 camp so the Paddlephiles were on pace to shave 24 hours off of last year's time. Then, the fog hit. About 2:30 in the morning the boys called to say they couldn't see the water from the boat and had to pull off the river. They managed a couple hours sleep and made it to Hermann around 9:30, then slept a couple more.

We're looking for them to finish around 9 or 10 tonight so there's still a shot at taking a full day off of last year's time.

That's all for now, see you at the end of the race!

Gentlemen. It's time.

2010-08-22T19:07:00.004-05:00

The MR 340 is now just hours away and final preparations are in full swing. The race launch is set for 8:00 am Tuesday, August 24th.

Thanks to the miracle of modern technology and the Paddlephiles multi-billion dollar defense budget, you will now be able to track our progress online. To follow us in real-time, mash this:

http://share.findmespot.com/shared/faces/viewspots.jsp?glId=0CmgMYzUqAv2yNr33KAFUrA11XO1AzFqg

I will be doing my best to post updates as I am able. Right now, I have to get back to packing.

Here is some boat porn to hold you until Tuesday.

Morning Wood: The Awakening

Feet, not inches. Back to the drawing board.

Black is faster.

The Christening

WHEW! It floats.

Still needs a few tweaks.

The Mighty Misery

2010-07-29T14:07:00.009-05:00

Greetings Paddlephans. I know there are a few of you who only get your MR 340 news from this blog. How confusing that must be for you.

For you then, here is a newsy type update: This year's MR 340 has been postponed until August 24th. So if you've been checking this blog 20 times a day and thinking all the Paddlephiles must have drowned, be at ease.

I'm quite confident I speak for 90% of all racers and 100% of all Paddlephiles when I say WHEW! Kudos to Scott and everyone at Rivermiles for making the tough call, it was absolutely the right one.

Let me tell you why:

On a recent weekend we decided it was time to take Morning Wood out for a little shakedown cruise. Just a 30 mile or so jaunt from Kaw Point to the Cooley Lake access ramp. To make it 'fun' we decided to camp there overnight. It seemed like a fine idea as we've camped there before and it's a nice little spot.

The Put In
We didn't pick Kaw Point at random. We start there because the race starts there. The first thing we noticed was that long beautiful boat ramp that held over a hundred boats in queue before the launch last year is now all but completely submerged. Had there been 100 more boats there we would have been backed up to the highway. Now at the time, the race had not been postponed. We could see the impending clusterf!#k and immediately starting disussing alternate put in options. We could lower the boat and crew from a nearby bridge over the Kaw with some sort of pulley contraption or rent a helicopter from the nearby downtown airport perhaps.

Here is a detailed schematic of the plan we settled on.

We are currently awaiting approval from race coordinators but I don't foresee any issues there.

The Water:
Well, technically I don't think you can even call this stuff water anymore. It's so muddy that any point under 8 feet deep is just gelatinous goop. It looks like water, but when you step in it it becomes instant setting cement and you'll be lucky to get your foot back, let alone any shoes or boots you may have been wearing. It's also so toxic you'll probably just be pulling back a bloody stump. You see when the river is as high as it is right now, it floods numerous toxic waste dumps, chemical plants, haunted Indian burial grounds and twinkie factories along it's winding path to Missouri and all that muck ends up in the water. It makes your skin, eyes and nose burn just to get within a mile of it. Prolonged exposure to the fumes has been known to cause everything from alzheimer's to zombieism. River rash is the least of our worries out here.

The Heat: It's a wet heat.
Any qualified rocket scientist will tell you that when you get this much rain in the summer it's going to be f'n humid. I know, I'm a rocket scientist. It was so hot and so humid that your clothes become instantly drenched in sweat the second you get out of the car. Had the water conditions been better I would have jumped in the river to dry off a bit.

Super Bugs:
It's a river, there are going to be bugs. Fine. That's why they make insect repellent. Last year a can of 40% deet was enough to keep me pretty well bite free the entire race. This year, they've mutated. These wet conditions have no doubt increased the numbers of pesky bugs tenfold over last year. Combine that with a lack of tasty campers and fishermen since everything sucks and nobody wants to go outside and you've got a lot of very desperate pests. Imagine you are stranded in the middle of the desert, no water for days. You stumble across a small pool of water with a rancid rodent carcass in it and the whole thing is just DRENCHED in people repellent. You are going to drink that water no matter how awful it tastes and probably eat the rodent too. That's exactly how the bugs see you in these conditions. Deet or no Deet, you're getting bit.

And so it went, with the night offering no cooling breeze nor respite of any kind, and definitely no sleep. At dawn we scurried out of there like roaches when the lights come on. Needless to say nobody wanted to hop back in the boat and do another hundred miles that day. This extra month is a blessing in disguise. Conditions can't really do anything but get better at this point.

Coming Soon: The Boat Build - Declassified

Paddlephiles II: The Paddlening

2010-07-12T20:58:00.010-05:00

Greetings Paddlephans!

We would like to apologize first of all for keeping everyone in the dark until this late hour with regard to our planning and preparation for this years MR340. Secrecy is of the upmost importance in these matters and security is especially tight here at Paddlephiles Skunkworks. We must be very careful as Los Humongos Paddleos are known to have many spies, (though to be honest the masks make them fairly easy to spot.)

What have we been up to? Well, for the most part I have been sitting on my ass since last August. The rest of the crew however, has been hard at work constructing the mightiest warship ever to glide across the Muddy Mo. Sadly, I am bound by a number of non-disclosure agreements that prevent me from posting any detailed plans or photos of the prototype. However, I did manage to get enough whiskey in the boys to get them to release a few tidbits to the public.

Prototype 1c, Codename: Morning Wood

Displacement	2,000 surfaced, 2,620 submerged
Length	342'
Beam	27' 6"
Draft	15' 9"
Max dive depth	200'
Speed: (in knots)	18.5 surfaced, 9 submerged
Guns	1 - 5" 50 cal. fwd, 1 aft
Tubes	4 - 21" fwd, 2 aft , 20 torpedos
Crew	56

I couldn't get a clear answer from the guys about the power source but I believe it to be a non-nuclear vessel, at least in the current prototype form. Hopefully they will allow the release of some photos in the days to come, provided it survives its maiden voyage this week.

That's all for now. Stay tuned!

The MR 340, Day 3

2009-09-24T00:30:00.004-05:00

The MR 340, Day 2

2009-08-26T15:21:00.005-05:00

I'm terribly sorry about the wait. I'll get 3 and 4 up much quicker!

Apparently youtube hates my videos no matter how long they are. That's ok, I hate youtube even more than they hate me.

If you haven't already, watch Day 1 first.

If it's your first time here, you really should start at the beginning.

The MR 340, Day 1

2009-08-12T23:52:00.008-05:00

Today I learned that YouTube has a 10 minute limit on videos. I guess you'll have to settle for the blogspot hosting instead. If it's terrible this way I'll break it into two parts and re-post it I guess.

The Montage II

2009-08-10T11:33:00.004-05:00

Greetings Paddlephans!

Thanks for all of your support throughout this adventure. There are over 4 Gb of raw video I need to edit and many long winded stories to tell but these things are going to take time. Because I know you are all anxious, I have slapped together a slideshow of the still photos we snapped to tide you over. Enjoy and stay tuned!

Coming Soon: The MR 340 parts 1 - 4

DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN!!!

2009-08-07T23:18:00.002-05:00

Success! Paddlephiles arrive at the finish line at 8:33 for a total race time of 83 hours and 3 minutes. We have a long drive home so no story right now.

We're already making plans to not do this next year.

I'm kidding. Of course we're doing it next year.

Victory!

2009-08-07T20:51:00.000-05:00

And done... they finished with a time of 83 hours and 3 minutes.

7:25 pm text update

2009-08-07T20:18:00.001-05:00

8 miles to go!

Text Update

2009-08-07T16:32:00.001-05:00

from Bryan

4:00 pm River current is speeding up, helping to compensate for the headwind. Last checkpoint in klondike at 3:45, could finish anywhere from 8 to 9.

Day 4: Nearing the final stretch

2009-08-07T12:35:00.002-05:00

The boys shipped out of our camp at Hermann at 8 this morning but have been paddling into strong headwinds all day. I'm expecting them for lunch in Washington between 2 and 2:30.

That's all I know right now, check back for our official finish time tonight!

Feel the MR 340 Love

2009-08-07T09:56:00.002-05:00

A nice piece at the Pitch blog, reporting on the race, its origins and its positive economic impact on river towns. Patrick is his very own stimulus package!

Late Night Text Update

2009-08-07T06:38:00.003-05:00

This came in from Bryan at 10:55 pm, so it pre-dates his post below. I post it for the colorful language.

10:55 pm Made dinner at 830. Should hit camp at hermann by 2. Only 68 miles for tomorrow. Paddlephiles got this bitch in the bag.

Night 3, Camp Paddlephiles, Hermann, MO

2009-08-07T00:51:00.002-05:00

It's almost 1:00 am. I'm expecting the guys to make Hermann around 2:15 or so and camp is all set so I set out to look for an open gas station and hopefully a 24 hour store that has some athletic tape. I find neither. I do find and internet cafe called the Juntion. They're closed but the wi-fi is on so I guess I'll give you an update.

Jefferson City - 4:35 pm

Mokane (Dinner stop) 8:30 pm

I got to Mokane pretty early and started a nice fire down by the river and put the percolator and a can of stew on it. Turns out a guy with a fire and a 20 cup of percolator full of coffee can make a lot of friends as weary paddlers come and go. Mike and Patrick came and went pretty quick but I hung out for an extra hour and kept the fire going since I had 4 hours to get to Hermann. I warmed up about a half dozen stragglers and then left the fire in good hands and moved on. It's probably still going.

g'night!

Day 3: I am so over this

2009-08-06T11:59:00.003-05:00

If anyone had ever told me it would take me 50 hours to get to Columbia I would have said 'well I'm not that interested in going then.' Now that I've spent 50 hours getting here though, I'm damn glad to be here.

For one thing, the fine folks at storage mart had given us a $50 Quick Trip gas card. We totally appreciate it, but I haven't seen a Quick Trip since Kansas City. Finally found one here and was able to gas up without dipping into the cash reserves. Also found a Waffle House and had the first real meal I've eaten since Monday. These camp meals are a bit carby for my tastes.

The guys just blew through the Cooper's Landing checkpoint and called in their lunch requests. Luckily, Columbia has ample supplies. I'm expecting to meet them at Marion Bottoms around 1:30 or 2 to feed them. Next stop, Jeff City.

In other news, our friends 'Yes, We Can!', could not. They packed it in at Glasgow citing 'logistics' problems. I think that means they realized they needed a ground crew. We're sorry to see them go and hope to see them back next year with some support. If we even come back. This is not easy.

More quick updates as I can either post them or get them to Laura. I promise I will do full bloggage and video editing this weekend after the race. There's just no time during it.

Made it through Lisbon in the daylight, barely.

Text updates from the road

2009-08-06T10:41:00.002-05:00

from Bryan

10:14 am Boys made camp at 2, up at 8, put in for coopers landing at 9. Jeff is foraging for nuts and berries. The sand is maddening.

10:29 am Jeff has found a log he would like to keep.

Late Night Dedication

2009-08-05T23:49:00.002-05:00

Long time listener, first time caller, this one goes out to the Paddlephiles.

(Damn BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT, and your "embed disabled by request." )

Not sure why, but Social Distortion seemed perfect under the circumstances.

Progress Report Wednesday evening

2009-08-05T20:50:00.005-05:00

Late Update: estimated arrival at Franklin Island 11:15, camp at Taylor's Landing at 1:15am. They'll reach Jeff City tomorrow and, internet permitting, Bryan should be able to give an update live from the field.

Bryan called in at 6:45. Our heroes stopped at Dalton Bottoms for lunch at 2:50 and took a 40 minute break. They reached Glasgow at 5:40pm. They hit the Lisbon Bottoms right around 6:45, which is good since it's reportedly the toughest part of the river to negotiate and they'd obviously much rather do that during day light hours. Bryan was expecting them at Coors Landing by 7:45.

The plan is to stop for dinner at Franklin Island at 9:30, then aim for camp at Taylor's Landing by 12:30 am. Bryan sounded tired on the phone, so I can only hope that Patrick and Mike are in a stage of happy delirium on the river. They're making good time so far.

A Quick Day 2 update

2009-08-05T11:11:00.002-05:00

The guys made it to the Waverly checkpoint around 9:50 last night with 40 minutes to spare before it closed. That relieved a lot of time pressure. The next checkpoint in Miami is open until noon today so they could paddle on to camp, get some sleep and coast in there with time to spare. Now they start banking hours.

They did another 22 miles before stopping to camp at Hill's Island, just past the quarter point of the race, our day one minimum requirement. Jeff and I were camped at Grand Pass, (my old nemesis) just 11 more miles away, but that would be another 2 hours minimum and the fog was starting to settle in.

They got a good 5 hours sleep and cruised the 11 miles to us. We pulled them in at 8:20 and gave them a hot breakfast of corned beef hash and some coffee and fruit and sent them on their way. I'll see them at Dalton Bottoms around 2:45 for lunch. Jeff headed out to take a shower with some truck drivers. Sounds like a redneck turkish spa to me, but I may have to give it a go before this is all over.

I'm going to do some grocery shopping and then head to Dalton Bottoms to hang their wet things out to dry and do the breakfast dishes. Camping is a lot like being at home except every basic task becomes a huge pain in the ass.

Here is some more wildlife.

I know you want video and stuff but you'll have to be patient. I might get a chance to do some editing today.

Psychic support for Mike and Patrick

2009-08-04T21:30:00.002-05:00

Also known as, Bryan is hating giving me access to the blog and will probably delete this as soon as he sees it and revoke my privileges. :)

As noted in an earlier comment, the riverside entertainment at Berkeley park featured a one man band (keyboardist) in charge of playing inspirational music. This was one of those songs.

MR340 Progress Report

2009-08-04T17:44:00.003-05:00

See 9:20pm updates below.

Bryan just called in. Our noble paddlers are maintaining their expected speed of about 6 mph. They made it to Cooley Lake at 1:50, where they were "fine" but hot. Bryan is waiting at the hot, noisy, crowded, cluster(bad word) checkpoint at Lexington (mile marker 316.5) with all the other ground crews. He estimates that Mike and Patrick will check in there by 6.

Jeff has traveled ahead to Grand Pass where he claims to have found a suitable site for camping and putting in.

After Lexington, the boys next check in is at mile marker 293.5 in Waverly. Bryan estimates they'll arrive there by 10:30, assuming a lessening pace. Bryan expects team paddlephiles to make camp at Grand Pass by 2:30am, but he's not real sure yet where Jeff has made camp so that's an even rougher estimate than the others. Grand Pass' mile marker is 272.

In brief, confirmed sightings:

Kaw Point (367.5) at 9:30am tuesday morning.
Cooley Lake (341.5) at 1:50 tuesday afternoon.
UPDATE: Lexington (316.5) at 6:00pm tuesday. (expected at Waverly by 10:10)

I'll update with more info as I receive it. Bryan will expand the trip report with video and pathos at a later date (Lexington McD's had no wifi). He's getting some great footage.

UPDATE: explanation regarding "7th from last." This earlier description was apparently misleading. Sorry. They were only 5-10 minutes behind the leaders and it had more to do with when and where they put in, not that they were falling behind due to some canoeing deficit. The only reason I mentioned it was out of latent guilt for the number of green canoes Julie and I pointed at saying "oh, that's them, right? woo hoo!", then realizing we were wooing at the wrong folks, before we finally saw them.

The view from Berkeley Park

2009-08-04T11:27:00.002-05:00

Julie and I arrived on time (as it turned out, two hours early) at the designated viewing spot at Berkeley Riverfront Park. It was a long wait, but we had appropriate rain gear and a nice flat rock to sit on. It was also well worth it, because from the first sight of all the boats in the distance it was pretty cool. T-Mobile appears to be holding most of my pictures hostage, but here's a shot from the hobo habitat that we invaded to get closer to the river.

The boys were in 7th to last place and good spirits as they passed by.

The MR 340, Part One

2009-08-04T10:38:00.003-05:00

Tuesday, 5:30 am: I want to go back to bed.

Thunder, Lightning and rain. Great. Looks like the Paddlephile luck is holding out. We get a good breakfast in us, (thanks Julie!) and roll out to Kaw Point to get the boat in line.

Tuesday, 6:15 am: Yep, that's a line alright.

Apparently everyone thought this would be a good time to show up. It's pouring, the wind is howling and there's lightning everywhere. The ramp, and every other square inch of ground is covered in canoes and kayaks of every variation. We're lucky to find a parking spot at all, it's gonna be a bit of a walk with the gear.

Tuesday, 7:00 am: I guess I could have gone back to bed after all.

Patrick checked in with Scott, the start is delayed for at least an hour. We're sitting in the truck flipping through AM radio stations and trying to stay dry. I'm sure the canoe will be full to the brim with water when we get back to it.

Tuesday, 8:00 am: Hurry up and wait

Things are looking better and people are starting to put in. With 272 boats and one ramp, the start time is now 9:30. The boys are in line and I'm scouting for a good place to watch the start.

Tuesday, 9:30 am: And they're off!

I found a great spot to watch the start. It also would have been a great spot to put in. No line. Seems like a handful of more experienced racers already knew about this spot. Oh well, next year that will be us.

Tuesday, 10:30 am: Taking advantage of city life while I still can

Turns out my ATT internet service gets me free wi-fi not only at Starbucks, but McDonald's too! w00t! First time McDonalds has been good for anything in my life. So here's a post for you. Laura will try to keep you up to date here while I'm out of range. Meanwhile, here are some photos from the start. See you soon!

Nice day.

The Queue

How many Paddlephiles can you spot in this picture?

Where they should have put in.

The biggest boat in the race

Where they shouldn't have put in, but did

...and the rocket's red glaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarre...

And we're off!!

Video of the start to come later! Laura is in charge until I get back!

The Meeting

2009-08-03T21:46:00.006-05:00

It's amazing how 4 months of planning and preparation all comes down to a last minute scramble to get our shit together. No matter, we're as ready as we're going to get with 10 hours to spare. I hope my paddlers get some sleep but I know they probably won't.

Earlier this evening was the race check in and mandatory safety meeting. We didn't learn anything new. That's good, it means we're ready. I've got to be up at 5 so forgive me if I don't put my usual exhausting effort in to this post. The next one you see here will be actual race coverage.

I will do my best to update the blog throughout the race but you can probably get more up to the minute information on how the guys are doing here. Look for boat number 1123.

We'll see you on the river!

The MR4, Part Two

2009-07-30T13:45:00.017-05:00

Did you read part one?

Is this your first time here?

Previously, on Paddlephiles
While on the island, Kate's insecurities threaten to get the better of her as she's hit with constant reminders of Carly. Sonny tries to reassure Kate that his relationship with Carly is in the past. Meanwhile, an angry Karpov kills his lawyer in front of Jerry. Karpov orders Jerry to take care of Matt after Jerry tells him Matt might have infiltrated the counterfeit drug ring.

Now, the conclusion of The MR4 on... Wet Is The Paddle

Saturday 7:00 am: Why did I think I would need an alarm?

I got up 30 minutes before the alarm and got some coals going and the coffee on. Except for a slow percolator breakfast goes off without a hitch. After breakfast and a cup or two of coffee, the guys start preparing to put in. Mike hops into the jeep to drive down the ramp so we can offload the canoe. Click, it doesn't start. Shit. You can't be serious.

Now what you need to understand about the Jeep is that it's lease is up in ONE WEEK. I swear that thing is programmed to fry the battery right before you bring it back so you pay for the new one instead of the dealer.

Saturday, 8:30 am: Were it not for the kindness of strangers...

Lucky for us, the local yocals are showing up to fish and they are very friendly and helpful. One of them has a portable charger in his truck and they slap it on the battery. No luck. Another fellow drives off to the local mechanic to see if he's available. After a brief review of the symptoms, it's decided it has to be the battery. We get a proper jump from a locals truck and leave it running for now. I'm advised there is a NAPA in Brunswick just a bit farther down the main drag. We try to slip them a ten spot for helping us out but they wouldn't hear of it. Instead they settle for a warm up out of our percolator.

Saturday, 9:07 am:
The boys put in and strike out for the Missouri, I'm pulling into the NAPA. Because I'm occaisionally clever, I refuse to turn the engine off until I verify that they have the correct battery. Of course they don't. I radio the guys, 'negative for battery at the NAPA, heading back to Marshall.'

Saturday, 10:00 am: Marshall, MO. YET AGAIN

I leave the Jeep running outside the O'Reilly while they see if they have the battery. They do. It's a special battery that costs $149. You've got to be kidding. I assume what's special about it is that it's programmable to fail on a specific date. I can see how that would be worth the extra hundred bucks. I'll have to interrupt the paddle and get Mike on the phone. He talks to the parts guy and explains that any battery that will keep it running for one more week will do. I doubt the guy has sufficient expertise to make a proper substitution. At least now I can turn it off so he can test it.

It tests fine. So does the alternator. Not only is it fine, it's 100% charged from the drive from Brunswick. I decide to gamble and not replace it. It would seem something was just left on overnight. I'll be sweating it every time I turn it off today, but at least I don't have to lay out $149 of my own cash to fix someone else's car.

The guys are just moving into the Missouri. It's 24 miles to Glasgow. We'll meet there for lunch, I'm guessing around 2.

Saturday, 11:15 am: Glasgow, MO, We Got Sand!

...but nothing else. It turns out the ferry ride across the river in Glasgow costs $8. There are no signs warning you of this until you are pulling onto it. Even if you could back out, you'd have to go an awfully long way back to find a bridge. I'm on the ferry, across the river and off again in 5 minutes. I can't help wondering how much of the cash this guy is pocketing. They don't seem to be keeping track of how many cars are crossing.

I need to find water and pick up lunch for the guys but there is no store to be found in Glasgow. I'll have to press on to Booneville and stock up, then return to meet the guys for lunch.

Saturday, Noon: My first stroke of luck.
After making a wrong turn and wasting 20 minutes and about 30 gallons of gas I luck my way into Fayette. It has a store. I grab a couple of lunch specials from the deli and 3 gallons of water and head back to Glasgow to wait.

Saturday, 2:00pm: Lunch

We aren't the only team running through here today. While waiting for the guys I met fellow Kansas City team Pappy and Son, nice folks and fast paddlers too. After the boys arrived, we also met Cynthia and David from 'Yes, We Can!' In both of these instances our reputations had preceded us and there was much ooooohing and aaaahhhhing over their brush with the famed Paddlephiles. Our road manager gave them some autographed 8 x 10 color glossy photos. We politely declined the request to sign their naughty bits and sat down to lunch.

Yes, We Can!, by the way, is running with no ground crew. I didn't get a lot of detail on how that is working out for them but I did notice they paddle with a bicycle in the canoe, presumeably to ride back upriver to get their vehicle. I'm going to be monitoring their progress during the race.

Saturday, 2:35 pm: Eye of the Tiger Baby

The guys are ready to put in for Franklin Island. Yes, We Can! is about 15 minutes ahead and we're waiting for the ferry to do its thing. This is the perfect opportunity to add a competitive element to the training. Find the other team, and crush them.

If for some reason you want to watch the entire 5 minute video of two guys waiting for a ferry, despite its complete lack of entertainment value, you can do so here.

I'm off to explore Booneville and find my own lunch.

Saturday, 3:15 pm: Lisbon Bottoms

On my way to Booneville I see a sign that says 'Lisbon' and I can't resist trying to find a way to get to Lisbon bottoms. I find a wildlife refuge along the river and damned if I didn't find a great spot to park and walk a bit to the bottoms. I wouldn't want to camp here or try to put a boat in or out, but it wouldn't be a bad place to meet the guys with water or whatever else they need.

Lisbon bottoms

Wildlife

Saturday, 4:00 pm: Booneville, MO

Mike had recommended I check out Snoddy's. It's the first thing I see as I get into town and I've got 4 hours to kill. You can buy 3 things at Snoddy's; groceries, hardware and firearms. Unfortunately the gun shop is closed at the moment. I don't need groceries or hardware so I move on to find a lunch spot.

I find a great one called Stein House. I highly recommend them to any other ground crews looking to take a break in Booneville. 421 Main St, it's hard to miss. I have a great lunch and 3 barley pops.

Tasty

Saturday, 8:00 pm: Franklin Island

Yes, We Can! and the Paddlephiles hit Franklin Island at about the same time. Thankfully, we're done. Cynthia and Dave wave goodbye and paddle on to Cooper's Landing. The guys did a great job picking up the pace on this last segment. I think we've got a chance.

Yada yada yada, we drive home. It's late and I'm tired of writing, here is some more video.

Coming soon: The MR 340 and anything else I have time to post.

The MR4, Part One

2009-07-27T11:39:00.010-05:00

You ever have one of those days where everything just goes wrong? Of course you have, everyone has. We had two.

A Simple Plan
So the guys wanted to take a practice run in some day two waters. Specifically, they wanted to get through the construction and ferry crossing in Glasgow and then run the Lisbon bottoms. No problem. We'll find somewhere to camp Friday night and put in early Saturday morning and make a full day of it. I had been researching conservation areas on the MDC website and settled on Grand Pass for Friday night, (our planned night one camp for the race as well.) It has a boat ramp and camping, perfect. Saturday the guys will have a 77 mile paddle to Franklin Island, (Booneville) their longest single day yet. We've got some experience in these matters. What could possibly go wrong?

Friday, 5:30 pm: Apparently, everything can go wrong.
I'm headed to Mike's house to meet the guys and load up. Patrick calls and has hit a major snag. He has received a call from the lake patrol at Lotawana telling him his dock is damaged and his boat is thrashing around. He'll have to go deal with that, so we'll have to load up and pick him up in Lee's Summit. Guess we'll make camp in the dark.

Friday, 8:30 pm: Marshall, MO
We're almost to Grand Pass. With any luck we'll have 5 or 10 minutes of dusk light to make camp. Mike mentions we should go ahead and gas up just as we leave Marshall. There's still over a quarter tank and we're almost there. We decide to push on rather than turn around.

Friday, 9:00 pm: "This is farther than it looked on the map."
A fully loaded Jeep Grand Cherokee gets gas mileage equivalent to that of a fully armored school bus and is measured in gpm instead of mpg. There were no signs of civilization between Marshall and Grand Pass and there is barely enough gas to get back there. We are seriously concerned about running out, but we're here now so may as well make camp and let the guys shove off in the morning. I'll worry about getting stranded alone tomorrow.

There's just one problem. Well, actually there are 2 problems. First, while the MDC site was right about there being a boat ramp, it doesn't go into the river. In fact, it doesn't go into any water at all. It's a ramp into seasonal wetlands used by duck hunters. Right now it's bone dry. We probably could get to the river, but it would take some serious machete work. Second, there's really nowhere to camp. Most of these conservation areas have a somewhat mowed area for camping but this place is pretty overgrown. There are a few other gravel roads to explore, maybe we're just in the wrong spot. The only problem is we don't have the gas to go exploring. We'll have to go back to Marshall and gas up, then come back and try to find a better campsite and river access.

Friday, 9:30 pm: Marshall, MO, Again

Buying gas at Wal-Mart. How... rural. I'm just glad we made it. I've never been happy to see a Wal-Mart before, it's an odd feeling. We check with the girl working the counter about local camping. The only place she knows about is Lamine, wrong river.

Friday, 10:00 pm: Grand Pass, Again

Now that we have plenty of gas we can explore this place a little more thoroughly. Still nothing. Shit. That means Plan B is in effect. Plan B is where we camp in Brunswick on the Grand River, 3.4 miles upriver from the Missouri. The only real problem with this is that it shortens tomorrow's run to about 55 miles.

I have to take full responsibility for choosing Grand Pass. In my defense, the MDC website was fairly misleading. I did sort of wonder why nobody ever mentioned it in the River Miles forums. I should have assumed there was a reason instead of assuming I was clever and had found a secret campsite.

I am personally going to kick the ass of the moron in charge of this.

Friday, 10:30 pm: Marshall, MO, AGAIN

Nothing to report here except how irritating it is to be going through this town a 3rd time on our way to Brunswick.

Friday, 11:00 pm: Brunswick, MO

The Grand River access in Brunswick is pretty much in the middle of a neighborhood. We're practically setting up camp in someone's front yard. Their kids are rowdy, but helpful. Maybe a little too helpful. We stay up and ponder the maps a bit. The kids get called in for bed, thankfully.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Saturday, 1:00 am: Camp Paddlephiles

Mike and Patrick have turned in. I'm putting some things away. Now the kid's parents are getting rowdy and they aren't at all helpful. They're drunk and running around their front yard with flashlights a whoopin' and a hollerin'. From across the lot it's hard to tell if they are having a late night easter egg hunt or just playing a little grab-ass. It's about this time the trains start rolling through. We're camped about 50 feet from the tracks. It's going to be a long night. I'm going to bed.

To be continued...

The MR3, Part Two

2009-07-21T21:52:00.008-05:00

If you missed it, start with The MR3, Part One.

If you have no idea what is going on, start at the beginning.

Previously, on Paddlephiles:
Still stricken with amnesia, Mickey stumbles upon a farmhouse in the country owned by a beautiful red head named Maggie who convinces him to seek medical treatment. Meanwhile, Lucky accuses Nikolas of only kissing Elizabeth in an immature effort to try to pay him back for going out with Rebecca.

Now, Part 2 of The MR3

Sunday, 9:30 am: Aren't You Guys Supposed to be Training?

Sweet hose dude.

4 hours of paddling followed by a 10 hour break. Sounds like the Paddlephiles alright. After a hearty eggs and sausage breakfast the boys shove off. We plan to meet in Lexington for lunch. From the looks of this campsite they'll beat me there. I've been trying to get the eggs off of the bottom of this pan for 20 minutes. I've decided the pan is disposable.

Sunday, 1:30 pm: Lexington
Disappointment strikes again. We were planning to grab lunch from Riley's. We should have realized an Irish Pub would be closed on Sunday in a town like this. I have McDonald's for Jeff, Mike and Patrick opt to eat sandwiches they brought. I don't blame them. When we checked in around Napolean they were running 6.6 mph so I expected them earlier. Their 1:30 arrival gives them an average of 6 mph again today. Jeff pulls his boat out to join me in the truck, Mike and Patrick shove off for Waverly.

I still haven't had lunch so Jeff and I head up to Richmond for margaritas in a rather half-hearted mexican restaurant some squatters had set up in an abandoned Hardee's. The wall is covered with pictures of locals in sombreros having birthday parties. Well, technically 'a' sombrero. I'm pretty sure they just have the one. I'm stunned at how many people celebrate their birthdays here. The saddest thing I have ever seen is now a teenage girl in a sombrero holding a cake that says "Sweet Sixteen". Stay strong kiddo, we're all rooting for you.

Sunday, 3:00 pm: Waverly
We make Waverly with a couple of hours to kill. May as well take in the sights. Or rather, the sight.

General Joseph 0. Shelby, it's not as Irish as it sounds.

Turns out Waverly is a confederate town. Now we're generally content to poke fun at ourselves instead of others so I'll spare you my vision of the committee that wrote, approved and engraved this gibberish on a sign. For a small number of words it sure does take a long time to parse. Go ahead, try it. We'll wait.

Wait. What?

Sunday, 3:02pm: Well, we've done all the touristy stuff.
Might as well head on down to Port of Waverly to wait for our ship to come in.

Your tax dollars at work.

Well looky what we got here. The United States Coast Guard, protecting the Port of Waverly from... umm... probably cigarette boats running drugs up from cuba I guess. Though I sure wouldn't want to float by here in an iron-clad full o' yanks neither. It's too bad they aren't guarding this overflowing trash can since it's stinking up the entire parking lot. I wish I could have been there to see these guys faces when they got their station assignments. Still, living on a 5 million dollar boat with a deck and a grill can't be all bad. I bet these guys have a girl in every port. Take a note ladies, if you want to drink margaritas and wear a sombrero on your birthday, this is probably the place to do it.

Now that I think about it, I'd like to see their wall of pictures.

Sunday, 5:30 pm: It's About Damn Time
The Gasconade was blocking my view from the ramp and I didn't see the guys until they were almost on me. It was a tricky landing as the ramp points down river so they had pass it and turn around and go upriver at it. They executed the landing flawlessly the first time, it was a work of art.

This is what delirium looks like.

So Lexington to Waverly was 23 miles in 4 hours, dropping the guys a bit below the 6mph pace they had been keeping. The longer day had a definite impact. I'm amazed at how every leg of this training run hit pretty much exactly 4 hours. We didn't really plan that but it sure makes the math easy. In the final tally, not counting the 10 hour nap, the guys paddled 73 miles in 12 hours, for an overall average of 6.08 mph. This will get them through the Lexington and Waverly checkpoints roughly 1 hour before the cutoff times. That makes me a little nervous considering the 10 hour break. I don't think they can hold that pace for 12 solid hours and an hour isn't much breathing room.

We'll have a better idea what pace to expect after this weekend's MR4. This time there will be a 6am wake up call and a 77 mile single day paddle. Still a little shy of the 90 mile days I want them doing in the race, but we're getting there. Stay tuned!

Canoes need naps too.

Coming Soon: The Maps 2, The MR4, The Montage 2

The MR3, Part One

2009-07-21T10:16:00.006-05:00

Apparently there was an MR2 at some point but that mission, like most black ops, is lost to history forever.

Day one of the MR 340 requires hitting 2 checkpoints by 9 pm. The second of these is in Waverly, 73 river miles from the starting line at Kaw Point. This means the boys absolutely have to make it to Waverly on day one before they can even begin to think about making camp. So this weekend in true Paddlephiles fashion we set out to make it to Waverly in 2 days.

It's not that one day wasn't doable. We just like to sleep in and we dilly-dally a lot so the guys weren't oars down until 7:30 Saturday evening. I think this is good for them though. There had been a number of other teams out that day who had started much earlier. This gave the Paddlephiles a chance to get used to being reminded by every passing fisherman that they were way behind. "I hope it was a staggered start" was my favorite.

A perfect day.

Saturday, 7:30 pm: Putting In

It's my first outing as ground crew and already I'm learning things. The first thing I learned is that if you want to spend 30 minutes dawdling around with your canoe on the boat ramp before you put in, you better turn around and make sure there aren't 20 fishermen lined up at the top of the hill waiting for you to move your ass. Sorry guys, we're still learning, won't happen again.

Saturday, 8:00 pm: These Radios Suck
Everything Motorola says about these things is a lie. 25 Miles my ass. Out of sight pretty much means out of radio contact. The people at the Cracker Jacks company are going to get a very nasty letter about this. Luckily, cell signals are pretty good so far.

I didn't fully process how little time the 7:30 start leaves me to get to Cooley Lake and set up camp before dark. There is enough food on hand to get the boys through the night and shoved off in the morning so I'm abandoning efforts to find a store and heading directly to the campsite.

Saturday, 8:30 pm: Cooley Lake Access
The instructions on my new tent suggest setting the tent up prior to your first camping use so you know what the hell you're doing when the time comes. Unfortunately it never gave any indication on the box that I should read said instructions prior to my first camping use. It's too bad, because it's sound advice. For one thing, this tent calls for 2 people to set it up and I am alone in the wilderness. This should be fun, it's already dark in the spot I picked thanks to the stupid trees. Now where's that Deet?

Saturday, 9:30 pm: Camp Paddlephiles
I've somehow managed to get my tent up and even pitched Mike's little pup tent thing mostly by lantern light. I have a small flashlight that I tried holding in my mouth at times but flashlights attract a lot of bugs and bugs have no qualms about flying into your open mouth. We'll just put that away. I'll have to get a light I can position more easily for the race.

Just had a text exchange with the guys who are at La Benite park changing into warmer clothes. It's getting chilly and we're expecting a record low temp tonight. Patrick happily texts that they've run 8 mph. It saddens me to correct his math, they're running about 6.25. I hope that doesn't discourage them, it's a perfectly fine pace. They are off again and I calculate that they should make camp around 11:15.

I want to get a fire going but I ran out of daylight and can't find any good wood laying around. It's not that bad out so hopefully some lantern light and something out of the JetBoil will do well enough.

Saturday, 10:45 pm: Camping is Boring
Grabbing a beer and heading down to the ramp to attempt radio contact and guide the boys in. It has gotten colder than I expected and at last contact they were pretty desperate for fire. I underestimated the need for it and failed them. I'll have to attack the fire problem more aggressively in the future. It's already past the dew point and what wood I can find is now wet.

To make matters worse, the ramp is covered in creepy crawly little centipede things that seem to be migrating from the river to the stink lodge across the parking lot. Maybe they lay their eggs in there. If the light were better I'd start filming a nature documentary on them. Instead I just blindly squash them by the dozen as I make my way down to the water. Gross.

"Paddlephiles? You got your ears on? come back..."

These radios still suck.

Saturday, 11:30 pm: Land Ho

Looks like Batman really let himself go.

Important lesson: Mile markers are impossible to find and read at night. It must be disorienting out there not really knowing where you are. Luckily my calculations were reasonably close and I saw their bow lighting from a long way out. It just took a few flicks of my flashlight to guide them in. I imagine that will be a lot more difficult when there are a lot of other boats out there and everyone has the same lighting scheme. They averaged 6 mph over the last 4 hours, the dark slowed them down quite a bit.

They are cold and wet and Jeff immediately spots a deer trail and trots off into the woods and comes out with firewood. He has a fire going in about 10 minutes and then goes back into the woods and whittles us a coffee table. I begin to question my outdoorsmanship. Maybe I'm not fully qualified for this. Also I set up Mike's tent wrong, he takes it down and does it over.

Oh well, from now on I'm just going to get to camp earlier and sort this stuff out during the daylight. We eat, have a couple of beers and turn in.

Tommorrow, part 2

The Map

2009-07-15T13:49:00.003-05:00

I may have gotten a little carried away. This is just to the first checkpoint.

It's a crying shame that in this day and age I still can't count on magic access to google maps out in Hillbilly Holler or wherever the hell it is we're going. (No, I'm not buying an iPhone, shut up.) I guess this is what they mean by 'roughing it.' Oh well, if Kinko's was good enough for Lewis and Clark it's good enough for the Paddlephiles.

I wanted a good sized printed map showing all the highways following the river so I wouldn't get lost between checkpoints. Easy, zoom in on the starting point enough to where I can see everything I need to see clearly, then print screen, paste into photoshop, scroll over a bit and repeat.

When I finished, a week had passed and I had a photoshop image roughly twice the size of my front yard. Apparently Kinko's doesn't have printers that size. ("Sir, your document is larger than our store.") So I had to break it down into manageable bits. What you see above is a map from the start of the race to the first checkpoint. So, map 1 of 8.

I knew it was going to be pretty big but I didn't really expect it to be THAT big. It will be next to impossible to wrangle that thing around in the truck and at $0.75/sqft it cost me $21 to print. Needless to say I'll be scaling the rest of them down a bit.

Bonus Chatlog

Mike: Good Lord, you're trying to map the river, not build a half-scale diorama.

Mike: looks like Bletchley Park war room circa '43

Bryan: we could get scale model canoes and push them around on it with sticks

Mike: how many damage points for hitting a wing dike?

Bryan: well, it depends on your armor class

Bryan: are we talking chainmail or leather or what?

Mike: assuming my canoe is a class4 paladin

Bryan: that has nothing to do with armor class you doof

Mike: kevlar

Mike: and i have nothing to do with d&d

Bryan: i don't think a kevlar canoe would float very well

Mike: Oh yeah, we demo'ed one. they go for around 3K

Bryan: Probably good to have in gator country

Mike: or brush creek

The Machine

2009-07-13T12:26:00.004-05:00

The 16 foot Mad River Explorer. A suitable conveyance.

I know a canoe is not technically a machine but I have a theme going with the aliteration and 'canoe' lacks a certain machismo.

"Notice their logo on the bow. It's a pipe-smoking rabbit. It makes perfect sense if you think about it. Like think about it when you're really high. I would have gone with a kite-flying giraffe myself. I put our names on the outside of our seats in case we forget where we sit or who we are." - Mike

I don't know man, I think that Rabbit is playing tenor sax. Also I'm still pushing for either flame or lightning decals. It is a well known fact that things go faster if they have flame or lightning decals on them.

Canoedling

There are two things you need to know about the Paddlephiles. They don't take no guff and they don't run stock. This is a race not a float trip and that means serious custom mods to to this rig. You wouldn't enter the family sedan in the Indy 500 without adding a cup holder would you?

At first I thought he forgot what shape the Jager bottle is...

...but I guess he is just gonna put the Jager in the water bottle.

Mike has more faith in velcro than I do.

Also, sudden stop = flashlight to the balls.

Every man needs a throne.

The Montage

2009-07-12T22:33:00.009-05:00

Every adventure story needs a sports training montage. If it's good enough for Rocky Balboa it's good enough for the Paddlephiles.

It should be noted that Patrick, like all budding directors, had his vision hacked to bits by the studio. Blame the internet legal department. We'll be sure to include the deleted scenes in the DVD release.

The Mission, The Men and The Mighty Mo'

2009-07-09T11:11:00.013-05:00

The Mission:

The Missouri River 340, "...the world's longest non-stop river race." 340 miles from Kansas City to St. Charles, by canoe, in 88 hours. I'm not big on research but I can only assume this race claims dozens of lives each year as entire canoes and their crews are swallowed whole by the raging 3 mph rapids and smaller paddlers are jerked right out of their boats and carried off by man eating mosquitos the size of pteradactyls. There are probably pirates too.

The race begins August 4th, 8 a.m. at Kaw Point, where the Kansas and Missouri rivers converge in the west bottoms. Hell we'll probably be stabbed to death by hobos before the starting gun fires. If any of us survive, it will all end on the 7th in St. Charles. Stay tuned, I'll be live blogging the team's progress whenever I can find an internet connection in this God forsaken wasteland.

The Men:

The Paddlephiles, (clockwise from left front:)
Jeff, Mike, Bryan, Patrick.

What drives a man to do something like this? What makes a 40 something marshmallow of a man think he can paddle a canoe 340 miles in the most brutally hot week of the summer? As it turns out, the answer to both of these questions is Jagermeister.

4 months or so ago when Mike and Patrick told me they were planning to enter this race I said, "You're drunk." And they were. Unfortunately by the time they sobered up and realized how dumb the idea was they had already entered the damn thing and spent hundreds of dollars on gear. It was too late to back out.

The training would be difficult. They would get out on the water every weekend for all day endurance paddling, train individually throughout the rest of the week and lay off the booze for 6 weeks prior to the race. Then it was a month. But really that isn't good since there is a Killer Cars show on Friday and that will involve some drinking and Saturday is a dumb day to stop drinking so let's call it Sunday. Starting Sunday July 12th they'll lay off the booze.

Looking back at it now, I think they did go out paddling 2 or 3 times. And Mike did come and pick up the rowing machine I offered him. He hasn't used it, but he picked it up and that's the important thing. Really the bulk of the training regimen has been 12 oz curls.

Planning session 2. We made a good plan I think
but we don't remember what it was.

Jeff is taking a more 'seat of his pants' approach to things. He has been waffling between working on the support team and actually entering the race as a solo. I suspect the call of the wild will prove irresistable and he will eventually choose the latter. Jeff is more accustomed to physical exertion and shouldn't really have any trouble keeping up with the tandem efforts of Mike and Patrick.

As the support driver, I face the most difficult challenge of all. It will take me the better part of an hour to drive to the next checkpoint and I will only have 12 hours or so to get there. Once there I will have to acquire literally quarts of water and make nearly half a dozen sandwiches.

Why is this the toughest job? Because I. HATE. OUTSIDE. I seriously can't stand it. I don't even like looking out the window. The idea of sitting by a river all day in August in a cloud of insects makes me physically ill. I'll probably spend most of the day driving up and down the highway just for the air conditioning. What do I care? It's Jeff's truck and they are all paying for the gas.

Oh, and the blogging. The constant soul crushing blogging. I wonder if Booneville has a Starbucks...